Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The SAW Game

I am a smart ass and a practical joker. If you’ve ever heard the long version of selling my first script to Hollywood, the version that includes the back and forth practical jokes my friends used to play on each other, and how I was *sure* this phone call was my buddy Van Tassell getting back at me for a prank I pulled on him after we both attended a party where alcohol was consumed, you already know this. One of my scripts that has been on the drawing boards forever - NIGHT STOCKERS - is about my years working at Safeway grocery and all of the pranks we used to pull on each other. On the midnight to 9am stocking crew, we often did crazy things like take all of the tennis shoes from that strange catch-all aisle of the supermarket and wrap them in the meat department with labels that said “Fillet of Sole” - then set them out for the morning butchers to deal with. The butcher would figure out some way to get back at us... often involving raw meat in our lockers.

On another message board, whenever one of the folks posts a thread called “Saw Watchmen” I will reply with...

“Is that the sequel to SAW where The Comedian and Night Owl wake up in an abandoned warehouse handcuffed to the wall with a rusty old saw on the floor between them and fight over who will saw off their own legs to escape first? But The Comedian just rips his own leg off and then shoots Night Owl for fun? Yeah, I heard about that... was it any good? Did Silk Spectre 2 get that booby trap off her boobies before it exploded? Did Dr. Manhattan make it through the maze of crotch high cactus okay?”

“Saw Duplicity”

“Is that the sequel to SAW where Julia Roberts and Clive Owen are ex-spies who wake up in the room surrounded by a pool of common face cream and rusty old experimental five blade disposable razors and they’ve got to walk through that stuff without slipping to get out... before a bomb goes off... and the key to stop the bomb was hidden in a martini olive that Roberts drank in the scene before, and now it’s in her stomach... and she’s not sure she can trust Owens to get it out, and he’s not sure he can trust her about anything, but they are in love with each other? Yeah, I heard about that, is it any good?”

Okay, folks, now it is your turn to play the SAW game on the comments section! Have fun!

- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:

TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Sledge Hammer Of Subtlety and BLOOD DIAMOND.
Yesterday’s Dinner: KFC - I needed my yearly minimum requirements of grease... it's the word.

5 comments:

The Moviequill said...

Saw Milk

This is that (makes quote gesture with fingers) homo (quote gesture) sexual film where San Franciscan businessman Harvey Milk is not only handcuffed by puritan morals against gays, but is literally chained to his lover, Pepe, the Taco Hut deep fryer from downstairs, and in order to attempt a clandestine rendezvous with Rusty, the rugged Moo Shoo pork organizer from Wok n Roll up the street, he must saw through his bonds and...

Richard J. McKenzie said...

Shrek Saw Marley and Me Die Hard

There's something for everybody in this movie!
One evil toon with an ancient leprechaun curse and a grudge has enslaved all the cute animated critters in Toonerville and laughs maniacally and inappropriately while forcing the more vicious toons (like the Ogres) to switch limbs and body parts from Jack to his dog and vice versa, while Jackdog and Marleyman try to escape to stop the speeding bus with the bomb wired to it that goes off if the audience attempts to leave before the end credits.

mrswing said...

SAW Star Wars

Isn't that the George Lucas vanity project in which Princess Leia (sans underwear, as they don't wear underwear in space), Han Solo and lover or sibling Luke Skywalker are chained by the leg to the walls of a disgusting trash compactor aboard the Death Star, and a squiddish monstrosity is going to eat them (it's called a Dianoga, if you must know) unless they can levitate a light sabre out of the fetid mass of filth and cut off their own foot?

Yeah, I saw that.

Richard J. McKenzie said...

Shrek Saw Marley and Me Die Hard, the remake.

Before our feature begins, I'd like to apologize for my previous entry. It was done in haste and Vista, Vista being the town and haste being the state of mind. And as I've never seen Saw (seen Saw, seen Saw), I missed the whole having-to-lop-off-someone's-limbs-possibly-your-own-to-get-free motif. I'd like another go-around, if you don't mind.

Here again, Shrek Saw Marley and Me Die Hard

A half-baked villain know as the 'Gingerbread Man' uses his ogreish minions to capture A Boy and His Dog in order to torture them in a big-brother sort of way. John and his dog Marley have to eat each other's legs off to get free, while the clock ticks and the refrigerator hums and oh, yeah, there's a bomb that will go off until John or Marley can decipher the ancient code hidden in a suitcase in New York or maybe Paris. The twist comes at the very end, after the credits, which I won't tell you about because I've taken so much of your time already.

Sorry about all the trouble. Thanks for the opportunity to be here.

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