DO I EVEN HAVE TIME TO BLOG?

You’re probably wondering why this blog is called SEX ON A SUBMARINE...

Like I don’t have enough things to do!

My name is Bill, and for the past 16 years I’ve been working as professional screenwriter in Los Angeles. At this point in time I’ve had 18 scripts carelessly slapped onto celluloid, and I’ve got four different deals circling as I type this. By tomorrow all of these deals may have crashed and burned, that’s just the way the biz works.

I also write for Scr(i)pt Magazine - started doing that soon after I moved to LA. They were a newsletter back then, called Freelance Screenwriter’s Forum, that was 95% screenwriting teachers writing articles about how great their classes were. I wrote the editors and told them they needed at least one columnist who wasn’t trying to sell anything something and had actually sold a screenplay. They told me that I was elected. By the way, there’s no pay. That was in 1991... now they pay me $600 a year to be West Coast Editor and have an article in every issue.

I also have a website http://www.scriptsecrets.net/ where I put up a script tip every day. These tips aren’t some single paragraph thing - they’re usually 1,000 - 2,000 words (full length articles) and often takes some current movie that doesn’t work and show you why it doesn’t work. In a way, that’s my blog. But if that wasn’t enough, there are message boards on the site where I frequently blog when I’m away from the office (on location somewhere).

Oh, and I have a screenwriting book called SECRETS OF ACTION SCREENWRITING which is currently out of print because I haven’t found time to revise it... and now I’m starting a blog?

Plus, I have something like 6 new screenwriting books worth or material on my computer, waiting for me to edit it all into 6 books.

Also, these days I keep getting asked to go to Film Festivals all over the world to either teach screenwriting or be on the festival’s jury and watch movies 12 hours a day for 10 days.

And now I’m going to start writing a blog?

Well, here’s the deal - I’m not going to post here every day, and I my re-post some stuff from my website. Mostly, though, this is going to be stuff about my Hollywood Adventures. I may tell some stories from my past, trying to get into the business or hanging out with friend and making movies. And I may use this blog to rant about how stupid the business is....

But why the hell is it called SEX ON A SUBMARINE?

Does it have something to do with Samuel L. Jackson in SNAKES ON A PLANE?

Nope. If you’ve read my book (the out of print one) you know the answer. For the rest of you folks...

Back in the very early 90s I wrote this spec script called CRASH DIVE about some Bosnian terrorists who hijack a US Nuclear submarine and aim the missiles at New York City. They plan to destroy the United Nations for messing around in their country’s politics. So the Navy sends this retired naval engineer who knows everything about the submarine - but isn’t any kind of hero - onboard the sub to take control away from the terrorists. Okay, the script lands on the desk of producer Ashok Amritraj (SHOP GIRL and WALKING TALL) who loves the script but doesn’t think he can afford to make it. See, he has a deal with HBO to make original movies. I tell him the Navy will actually give him all of the subs and aircraft carriers and stuff for free, but he doesn’t believe me. About 3 years later, he calls the Navy number I gave him and they say "Sure, if the script is technically accurate, we’ll give you the toys for free." That means Ashok can make the film on the $3 million that HBO is paying.

So I get these script notes. You always get notes from actors, directors, producers, producer’s girlfriend’s, producer’s dog walkers, etc. Most notes aren’t about improving the script, they’re about changing it. You’ll probably be hearing more about that in later blogs. So I get these notes from HBO... they want me to put a sex scene in the script. The script takes place on a submarine with a crew of 110 MEN. I ask them, what kind of sex scene did they have in mind? Well, not a Gay sex scene. Um, where is the woman coming from? Hey, I’m the writer - be creative! HBO *insists* that I add a sex scene. So, I write up a sex scene. I make sure that the scene before and after cut together perfectly, so that when HBO sees how dumb the sex scene is, the film can still be cut together without it.

But when CRASH DIVE airs on HBO on March 28 1996, the sex scene is intact.

Welcome to Hollywood.

- Bill