My Films Attack The UK Again

I'm sorry...

Movies 4 Men Channel:

7/31 - 16:30 - Black Thunder - When the world's most powerful stealth jet fighter falls into enemy hands, only one man can get it back. Starring Michael Dudikoff.

8/1 - 13:50 - Black Thunder - When the world's most powerful stealth jet fighter falls into enemy hands, only one man can get it back. Starring Michael Dudikoff.

8/3 - 15:30 - Crash Dive - The crew of a nuclear submarine rescues supposed victims of a boat disaster, but the victims turn out to be terrorists intent on capturing nuclear weapons aboard the sub. 1997.

- Bill

Lancelot Link Thursday

Lancelot Link Thursday! For those of you who think 100 monkeys with movie cameras might make MEMENTO, here are some articles about screenwriting and the biz that may be of interest to you. Brought to you by that suave and sophisticated secret agent...




1) Uranium Ore For Sale On Amazon - Read The Comments!

2) Movie Maps - where was your favorite film shot?

3) The Modern Moustache

4) BOURNE SUPREMACY car chase:



- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Second Chapter First - and SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD, NORTH BY NORTHWEST, and IRON MAN.
Dinner: Salmon Burger at Sitton's.
Bicycle: Short - up to Noho... to see SCOTT PILGRIM.
Pages: Yesterday - over 6 good pages and some rewrite work, today - around 4 pages.
Movies: SCOTT PILGRIM - a fun, wild, clever, video game of a rom-com. Laughed my butt off.

Worst Remakes?

Last week's big movie was an original (INCEPTION) and this week's big movie is also an original (SALT), but this summer we've had a bunch of remakes... including last week's big flop (SORCERER'S APPRENTICE - based on a Mickey Mouse cartoon from FANTASIA!). Though a remake is still a job for a screenwriter, I would rather tell my own stories. Originals.

So, how about using the Comments Section for this blog entry...

What do you think are the worst remakes... and why?

- Bill

M. Night's Career - Every Film Better Than The Last?

According to this graph M. Night Shyamalan's next film will earn the first ever *negative* Rotten Tomatoes score - on a scale of 1 to 100... it will be less than zero.

His current film, LAST AIRBENDER, has an amazing 8% on RT... But Night believes it is brilliant! Here he is doing press for the film in Mexico City when a reporter asks about his downward trajectory... and he explains that we have it all wrong - each film is better than the one before...



So, if you are wondering *why* the next film will have the first ever RT negative rating, there is the reason - he's got his blinders on and isn't going to try to correct any mistakes he may be making... because he just doesn't make mistakes.

- Bill

DARK HOUSE comes out July 30th.

I love it when my friends are successful! I want all of my friends, and all of you reading this, to become rich and famous... so that I can borrow a $20 from you some time way in the future when I pushing a shopping cart filled with screenplays down Hollywood Blvd.

My friend Darin who is already a successful screenwriter and producer (he wrote TALES FROM THE HOOD and some other films, produced many of Rusty Cundiff's early films, and wrote and directed a cool crime film called CAUGHT UP) has a new movie coming out on July 30th - a horror movie called DARK HOUSE about a high tech Halloween haunted house tour... that is really haunted. Here's the trailer:



Now, the cool thing about this film coming to a theater near you on July 30th is... that it's theatrical release was the result of a horror movie contest put on by Fangoria Magazine - the winning film gets a theatrical release. There were a bunch of films in the contest, and Darin's film won.

So, if you're looking for a scary movie, check it out!

- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Busload Of Scripts - if you plan on writing one script and then selling it for $1.2m, think again!
Dinner: LACMA Cafe - BLT wrap... which was pretty good.
Bicycle: Not today.
Pages: 3 pages instead of 5 again... but I'll be okay.
Movies: INCEPTION on Saturday, SALT on Monday - reviews of each coming up!

Is INCEPTION just a rip off of DREAMSCAPE?

Okay, now that I have your attention...

At about 2:30pm Pacific Time I rewrote and reposted today's Script Tip - with that question as the new lead and over 1,000 words of new material.

(That tip ran, and is now back in the vault for a year and a half)

And, if you have never heard of DREAMSCAPE, here is a clip...

Snakeman nightmare:




- Bill

Ghostbusters In The NYC Library

You are in the library looking for the latest Lawrence Block novel when suddenly...



- Bill

The Men I Love

It would be wrong for me not to post this trailer, even though by now you have all seen it...



I'll be there.

This is a great idea - turning this film into SEX AND THE CITY for men. We'll all go out and have a beer in our steel-toed work boots then head to the cinema.

- Bill

Script Magazine - July/August 2010

Script Magazine - July/August 2010 - in book stores now!



Meeting With Giants: Great Directors
by Ray Morton
Script sits down with first-time filmmaker Angela Ismailos to discuss her new documentary Great Directors and the legendary helmers it celebrates.

Script Secrets: A Dozen Simple Mistakes
by William Martell
As a teacher and professional scribe himself, columnist William Martell identifies 12 common screenwriting mistakes ... and presents his solutions for each.

Behind the Camera: From Static Words to Moving Pictures
by Robert Piluso
Recent first-time writer-directors discuss the valuable insights they gained into the pragmatics and economics of filmmaking, directing actors, and conveying tone.

The Producer/Screenwriter Relationship
by Todd Garner
Industry veteran Todd Garner has produced many successful films during his time in Hollywood. However, he admits none of them could have been accomplished unless someone was willing, and able, to write a compelling story with characters an audience would care about.

The Agony of the Silent No
by Dwayne Alexander Smith
Professional screenwriter Dwayne Smith gives his first-person account of a recent phenomenon he'd never experienced before when dealing with film executives -- the peculiar and agonizing "Silent No."

From Script to Screen: The Tillman Story
by David S. Cohen
Amir Bar-Lev and Mark Monroe, creators of The Tillman Story, unexpectedly found themselves demythologizing a martyred American hero -- and liking him better as they did it.

Writers on Writing: Predators
by Michael Finch & Alex Litvak
First-time screenwriters Michael Finch and Alex Litvak were chosen by Robert Rodriguez and presented with the daunting task of re-imagining 1987's beloved horror-science-fiction film, Predator. To do so, they had to overcome their initial fear of failure, dust off the franchise they grew up loving, and, come hell or high water, give die-hard fans of the original movie something they'd enjoy.

Live From New York, It's Saturday Night Live
By Zack Gutin
The writers of Saturday Night Live are a fraternity of the greatest known comedy minds working in television today. Script got a rare chance to spend a production week with head writer Seth Meyers and the other men and women who bring you the late-night sketches and jokes that have America still talking Monday morning. Join us for this rare look inside one of TV's greatest comedy institutions.

Interview: The Kids Are All Right
by Bob Verini
The unlikely screenwriting collaboration of Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg took half a decade to scratch out the story for The Kids Are All Right. Through sheer will, they have created what might be one of the very best films of 2010.

Remake Kings
by Jennifer M. Wood
Silver-screen storytellers Wesley Strick, Phil Hay, and Alexandre Aja are out to prove this year that not all remakes are created equal.

Finding the Best Screenwriting Classes for You
by Jenna Milly
A quick search on Google for "screenwriting classes" will return pages of results with a wide range of costs and qualifications, all claiming they can teach you the craft and business of writing for film and/or television. Script examines the top choices for you to hone your talent in our annual guide to the educational opportunities available to filmmakers.

The Top-Nine Online Screenwriting Courses (Plus One)
by Andrew Gnerre
With online learning options for scribes proliferating and evolving at a stunning rate, we profile 10 screenwriting courses that stand above the rest.

Subscribe Now!

- Bill

Happy Birthday America!

Below you will find the SABOTEUR edition of Fridays With Hitchcock, and below that a suspense scene from THE AMERICAN FRIEND...

- Bill

Schlock (1973)

This is one of my favorite films... and you have never heard of it.


First, a bit of background... In the 70s there were a bunch of skit comedy movies like THE GROOVE TUBE (with Chevy Chase and Richard Belzer and "Brown 25" - we make dolls out of it) and TUNNEL VISION (with Phil Proctor and Howard Hessman and Kissinger grilled on a Sesame Street type show about Viet Nam). And they were okay... and then came KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE and it was 100 times funnier than the others. I saw KFM in my local cinema, and when I drove to Los Angeles I saw it in some funky old Hollywood Blvd cinema. That movie was made for me! I was alternating between short super 8mm thrillers and skit films, and KFM was the ultimate skit film. So much better than GROOVE and TUNNEL. Who directed it? Some guy named Landis.

I had a subscription to National Lampoon Magazine, which was huge back then, and they decided to make thier first movie, called ANIMAL HOUSE. And who did they get to direct it? That Landis guy from KFM!

I landed a job managing a movie theater, part of a small chain that began as Jerry Lewis Family Cinemas, but that company went bankrupt and this guy bought all of the ones in the San Francisco Bay Area. I was managing one out in the East Bay, and my biggest problem was that the owner never booked a studio movie. He booked all kinds of weird crap, and then expected us to sell tickets to this junk! We showed a comedy spaghetti western called ONION BREATH about a cowboy who wasn't a quick draw, he just had really bad breath. We had a low budget horror movie with Christopher Lee that had the worst special effects I have ever seen. We had one bad film after another...

And then we showed SCHLOCK!

Directed by that Landis guy!


It was his first film, it had been sitting around on the shelf for years, and the guy who owned the cinemas made some sort of deal to show it for a week. The doorman in my cinema, who was an artist and drew some amazing pictures (I hired him because he was talented and needed a job), actually drew and inked the poster... because whatever poster there had been previously we didn't have access to. Tim drew this amazing poster, and they made copies, and that poster went from cinema to cinema around the Bay Area along with the single print of the film.

But the amazing thing - SCHLOCK was funny as hell! We had a college nearby, and I made up mini posters and put them up all over campus (did the same for my Halloween show of PSYCHO) and we packed the cinema every night. Because it played 3 times a day and 5 times on weekends, I could quote every single line of dialogue from the movie. And it was *funny*. My favorite part - after the ape kills a whole playground full of people, the coroner puts all of the body parts into Hefty Trash Bags to take to the morgue and try to put them together to figure out exactly how many victims there were... and the local TV station has a contest: if you can guess how many people the parts all add up to, you can win a free dinner for 2 at a local restaurant. The TV news guys was a Ted Baxter type, who is shocked to find out the ape may be what is called "Homo Erectus". Plus, there is a cute blind girl who has been dating a guy for years and has just had eye surgery and when the bandages come off... will she like the way the guy looks? The killer ape tries to attack the blind girl, but she thinks he's a dog and plays fetch with him... And all kinds of other silly gags. I loved this film - it was the only thing we showed at that cinema that wasn't complete crap!



The end of the story: Because the cinemas were not making any money, the owner decided to do something controversial by booking THE SNUFF MOVIE. I argued against this until I was blue in the face. We were in suburbia. We had a church down the street. The cinema chain sold itself to the various communities as a family chain. People were going to torch the place! I suggested we show a bunch of old family friendly films instead - maybe 3 STOOGES movie double bills, or even some classic 1950s monster movies. I had a list of films I would rather show than SNUFF... and thgat I tought would sell more tickets.

My PSYCHO Halloween show had done well, I promoted the heck out of it, and the film was cheap to rent because it had been on TV a zillion times. But I turned the movie into an *event*, see the scary movie on the big screen and try not to scream! I was sure that if we showed good old movies and had a family discount night instead of the absolute crap films we had been showing, the cinema would make money. But the owner knew more than some stupid film buff kid... and booked SNUFF for a week.

The night the movie opened there were picketers.

And we did not sell a single ticket.

By 9pm that first night, the police arrived. They were going to confiscate the print of the film and arrest *me* for violating community standards.


I had a talk with the district attorney and told him I was completely against showing this crap, and the cinema chain owner had booked the movie over my protest. Would they let the little fish (me) go to arrest the big fish (my not all that big idiot boss)? I phoned the cinema chain owner, told him I had an emergency - there were police and picketers at the cinema and they wanted to take the print. He tried to get me to hide the print somewhere so that the police couldn't get it, but I told him he needed to come down here and explain to the police that we couldn't just have over a $15,000.00 print of a movie. The cinema owned drove down to the cinema...

And was arrested by the police. I waved to him as the cuffed him, and made sure his head didn't bump the door frame as they put him in the back of the police car.

Then I gladly handed over the print.

They closed the cinema, and I was out a job.

The real pisser? When I left I didn't even grab one of those SCHLOCK posters. That would be a big time collector's item, and I'll bet even John Landis doesn't have one!

- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Short Films - and how to write them.
Dinner: El Pollo Loco - black beans, corn on the cob.
Bicycle: Medium, probably should have been longer.
Pages: Kind of dropped the ball today.

I'm sorry!

Movies 4 Men, Monday (today) at 1pm:

Steel Sharks

When a United States submarine is seized by terrorists, a rescue attempt by Elite Navy Seals goes awry. The submarine crew wages a silent war beneath the waves in this tense undersea thriller.

Sorry to everyone in the U.K. who may accidentally see this. To make up for it...

* Orson Welles' TOUCH OF EVIL restoration

* TOUCH OF EVIL review

- Bill

IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Someplace Cool - the world of your screenplay and TOY STORY 3's day care center.
Dinner: Ham sandwich at Togos.
Bicycle: Really short - and that was a mistake.
Pages: Not much got done. I usually take Sunday's off, but wanted to catch up a little on the script and do some blog entries. Was going to take a longer bike ride to downtown Van Nuys where my friend Eric's video store is - it was his birthday - but I was afraid I'd be too tired to write if I rode that far. So, short bike ride... and then didn't get anything done! Should have rode out to Eric's and hung out.

Movies: Friday - KNIGHT AND DAY - I went in with low expectations and liked it. Hey, not a great movie or anything, but I had a good time and thought it had many more character moments than a film like that needed. Was it full of illogical and convenient plot things happening and about a hundred really lucky breaks - cars that wreck so that they take out badguy's cars but miss Cruise by an eighth of an inch. The end explosion that was sledge hammer set up (hey, after the second time they talked about it being unstable, I knew the end... so why the 5 more mentions?), but I went in thinking this was going to be a stupid summer movie so I gave some of the stuff a get out of jail free card. It was fun, so the convient stuff wasn't a big deal.

Cruise has got to be the least sexual man on screen. I would find it easier to believe that Diaz would want to have sex with Rupert Everett before Cruise. He just seems cold and plastic. So the big kiss scene didn't seem real to me.

But lots of ROMANCING THE STONE type moments of mistrust, and I *loved* the Diaz black out action scenes where she wakes up in the middle of some unseen major action scene, then passes out again.

And stuff about Diaz's father's car and her sister were great character things... and the car ended up part of the story, too.

One good thing about him in this film - though everything is over the top (that's just the way the story works), Cruise manages to underplay it enough that he seems subdued and "real". No sofa jumping.

Diaz needs to figure out what she's going to do when her ass is no longer a movie star, and just being cute and perky isn't enough. I like her, I think her personality comes through the screen and you want to hang out with her for a couple of hours... but she isn't getting any younger. She needs to cultivate an older type of character to play and maybe do some edgy indie thing.

Kind of a silly glossy star vehicle kind of thing - fluff. I think if KNIGHT didn't have all of the competition it would have been #1 this weekend. It's an okay movie.

Movies: Saturday - THUNDER SOUL at Los Angeles Film Festival. Produced by Keith Calder, his blog is over there --> and a great documentary about a High School jazz band in the 1970s that won a bunch of awards and did some touring... who get together 30 years later to play a concert for their 90-something year old music teacher who is in poor health. Funny and heart warming and very emotional. A great movie... and it won the Audience Award at LAFF (hey, I voted for it!). After the movie, there was a *rockin'* concert by the band - a bunch of guys and gals in their 50s whose lives were changed forever by this music teacher. I had a great time!

Trailer Day

Okay, the original plan was to have the SUSPICION edition of Fridays With Hitchcock ready by today... but the original plan was also to run a review of THE OUTFIT on Wednesday. None of these things got done.

The good news is, I think I am on track with the assignment script - I have one more difficlut day (tomorrow) and then all of the difficult things will be set up and the story kicks into gear... and it's the unexpected difficult things that will get in my way from that point on. Wrote a cool scene today, and I'm happy with it.

But I have nothing for today except this link...

1) Query Letters From Hell!

Plus some movie trailers and this short that I posted on FaceBook.

2) A great short I saw at Raindance last year which won Bablegum this year. Very creepy and beautifully shot - and well written. One of the great things about going to festivals is seeing all of this fantastic talent that's out there... that Hollywood has no idea exists. One of the great things is the title - who is the monster in this film?



Lots of dread and suspense and at least one jump moment... but the relationship between the two kids is more frightening than that thing living in the basement. The director bought me beers one night until neither of us could stand... and is a friendly, funny guy.

3) A feature I saw at Raindance from Hungary - a zillion twists, lots of suspense, and an interesting character study thrown in for the subtitle crowd. A lonely medical examiner starts a relationship... and gets an offer to kill a stranger for a pile of cash. He is used to dead people, so maybe he could kill someone? But nothing is what it seems. Is the new woman in his life part of the assassination plot? And if she isn't, how can he kill a stranger and then act like nothing has happened when they go on their date? Greatest opening scene I've seen in ages!



4) Trailer for another movie I saw at Raindance... back in 2004. This one is available in the USA now... but the english trailer on YouTube is of poor quality, so here is the Belgium trailer. The worst lounge singer in the world's van breaks down in the backwoods, and a widowed resort owner takes him in... dresses him as his wife... and...



5) The winner of Best Foreign language film at Raindance last year (I handed out the award) was this kick-ass Spanish crime film that is like LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL with a dozen plot twists and some great characters...



Okay, hopefully *next week* there will be some of the new blog entries promised!

- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Original & Emotional Action Scenes and THE EXPENDABLES, WAR and TRUE LIES. Complete rewrite of an older tip!
Dinner: Steak & Baked Potato & Broccoli & salad & soup.
Bicycle: Longer than expected! Usually I ride away from home to some coffee shop, work, eat dinner nearby, and then ride back home to my local Starbucks for more work... but I decided to ride farther away from home to a restaurant miles away for dinner. Then return to the same coffee shop for my night shift, then ride all the way home. A good ride - worked off the dinner!
Pages: Great day for writing! 8 pages including some difficult stuff.
Movies: Hey, I've seen TOY STORY 3... and you should, too!

Retired, Extremely Dangerous

This looks like fun - great cast, and a great concept: what do you do with skilled spies when they reach a certain age?

Thanks to Terrance for the heads up.

Sorry I haven't been around lately, I've been trying to keep up with the assignment. I am still behind, but think I've got a good grip on it now. The first act is either a breeze or hard work - and this has been hard work. I have a detailed outline, but it tells the story instead of showing it, and I've had trouble trying to figure out how to get some of this info to the audience. A couple more days and I'll be out if act 1 (a week over schedule) and into the fun stuff.

- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: On The Nose Scenes and EMPIRE STRIKES BACK's love scenes vs. the one in SEND IN THE CLONES.
Dinner: Turkey sandwich at Togos.
Bicycle: Really short.
Pages: Only 3 pages due to lack of sleep, but should make that up today.
Movies: Monday night - POINT BLANK and THE OUTFIT.

Blackbeard: Legend Of The Pyrate King

And while I am plugging friend's works, the new issue of BLACKBEARD just hit the shelves at comic book stores. #4 - co-written by Jaime Nash who wrote the great DELIVERANCE-with-alien-rectal-probing film ALTERED.



The no-holds barred pirate adventure includes an all-star creative team (Written by Robert Place Napton & Jamie Nash; Story by Eduardo Sanchez & Gregg Hale; art by Mario Guevara & Romulo Fajardo Jr.)! In this issue: Teach makes a momentous decision that helps to forge his legend and his destiny forever.

- Bill

Family Bones - True Terror Comic!

And my friend Shawn Granger's true comic book series about the charming members of his family who were also notorious serial killers is now complete! He grew up with these people... and has turned that experience into a graphic novel. Part 2 comes out on July 4th (Amazon pre-order), here is the link to Part 1...




And here is the link to Part 2...
FAMILY BONES - Book 2

And here is the story description:

This is the final volume of "Family Bones", a true crime graphic novel about the elderly serial murderers from Missouri. In their 70's, Ray and Faye Copeland were sentenced to death for the murder of many farm workers that lived with them. The tale told through the eyes of their unwitting nephew comes to a gruesome conclusion. And through it all somehow this city boy finds young romance with a neighbor's daughter. Written by the actual great nephew of Ray and Faye Copeland, "Family Bones" is a gritty, fish-out-of-water American gothic that will send shivers down your spine. Art by many of the rising stars in the comic book industry; including Brent Giles, Mannie Abeleda, Pablo Agustin Lordi, Stefano Cardoselli, Kyle Strahm, Will Caligan, & more.

- Bill

Tossers Online!

After a very successful festival run, the SoCal Film Group's mockumentary TOSSERS, written and directed by Danny Grossman) is now online for all to see!

The description...

"Welcome Frisbee Dancers!

It started a few years back, when German performance artist Frederik Vilhelm was playing frisbee and ... tripped, basically, but did so in such an artistic and flamboyant way that a new art form was born. This season should prove especially exciting, as last year, we came close to almost very nearly breaking even.

We're excited to have returning champions Willow and Moonbeam Goldberg - they're practicing Vaicans (Vegans Against the Imagination of Cruelty to ANimals). We may also see the return of the famous frisbee dance team sensation Simon & Sherman (provided there's no full moon, and Sherman does not become a werewolf).

Join them and many more as they toss their way into your heart!"

“Tossers”

Tossers from Danny Grossman on Vimeo.

- Bill

Point Blank & The Outfit

Sunday and Monday at the New Beverly Cinema - Lee Marvin punches guys in the crotch. Whenever this movie plays in Los Angeles, I go see it... because it's always a *different* movie. Is he dead? Is he Gay? Is he just a bad ass? Plus, Angie Dickenson is *nekkid*. Based on the novel by Richard Stark (Don Westlake). Doubled with THE OUTFIT - a kinda sequel.



A scene from THE OUTFIT - Robert Duvall vs. the great Timothy Carey. I love the way Duvall casually slams the guy with his gun while entering the room - doesn't even slow down. THE OUTFIT is also based on a Stark novel - the one that comes right after POINT BLANK - and has Robert Duvall playing the badass... but this is just a straight 70s action flick with no weird stuff. Duvall and Joe Don Baker screw with the mob and prove that two clever badass guys are stronger than a hundred goons in suits.



Written and directed by John Flynn, whose next film would be ROLLING THUNDER (screenplay by Paul Schrader). He was one of those no-nonsense action directors. There's a great scene in the film (right from the book) with Sheree North as a backwoods temptress who loves to have men fight over her - a great tense scene where she tells her husband that Duvall screwed her. The film is not on DVD (hey, MGM or whoever owns this, get off your butts!).

Between POINT BLANK and THE OUTFIT, MGM made THE SPLIT with Jim Brown playing the role. Peter Coyote would later play the role in SLAYGROUND - which is the stupid version of the Stark novel... a real mess! Joel Silver was going to make 4 of the books as cable movies (I think for Showtime) with Stallone in the lead, but it didn't happen.

Here's my obit for Don Westlake (aka Richard Stark): My Three favorite Mystery Writers have Died.

Coming soon to the blog - an essay on POINT BLANK...
Coming soon to the blog - a piece on the Parker novels: how the same basic idea (a heist) can be told in dozens of different ways.

- Bill

Lancelot Link Thursday

Lancelot Link Thursday! For those of you who think 100 monkeys with movie cameras might make MEMENTO, here are some articles about screenwriting and the biz that may be of interest to you. Brought to you by that suave and sophisticated secret agent...



1) Is a new need for original screenplays on the horizon? Remakes and Sequels Are Failing!

2) You know those X-Ray glasses you could buy from ads in comic books? I bought a pair, and here's what you see... X-Ray Glasses & Super Hot Fashion Models - you CAN see through their clothes!

3) So, how is your vocabulary? New York Times - 50 Most Challenging Words.

4) Sequels Changing Hollywood?

5) Not a car chase, not Hitchcock...



6) And ROBIN HOOD finally broke $100m at the box office after more than a month!

- Bill

IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: Antagonists and Drama and TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD and REQUIM FOR A DREAM.
Dinner: Pastrami sandwich at Togos.
Bicycle: Short.
Pages: This was the stumble day - after 2 good days I did not make my 5 pages today. I have excuses - but they aren't gonna get the script finished.
Movies: No.

Eat One Lousy Foot! Santa Fe Adventure 5

I drag my bags to the front desk, thinking about checking them and then going upstairs for my last free lunch, but decide to skip lunch today and get to the airport early. Since I’m going home on the same pocket sized plane, I *need* to get a bulkhead or emergency row seat. I pass the registration table - half filled with the Script Consultant’s books - she’s sold several... I am dragging every single CD I brought with me back to Los Angeles because it didn’t seem right to do a commercial for them during my class. I dump my luggage by the fireplace, track down Larry and ask if it’s okay for me to leave my post cards on the table for the weekend. Then go in search of Transpo Gal... again, wishing I could stay later so that I could go to the big BBQ party that night where the producers and agents and managers would be. One manager e-mailed me to say he was also going to be at the event, and maybe he’d bump into me. That seemed promising to me... too bad I wouldn’t be there.

While looking for the Transpo Gal, this guy comes up and says hello... and I think he’s a student for a moment until he introduces himself as the manager. Cool. We have a good conversation - though I am at the tail end of whatever energy I’ve been cruising on, and no matter how much coffee I have drank - I am having trouble keeping my eyes open and my brain working. So, for all I know, I babbled about nothing and he just pretended to be interested in me.



There’s this thing that happens to me if I’ve been burning the candle at both ends to do something... the minute it is done, exhaustion kicks in. Same thing if I really have to go to the bathroom, I can hold it until I unlock my apartment door - then it’s a race to the bathroom before I wet my pants. Once I can see the finish line or have passed it, my body shuts down (or my bladder opens up - depends on the situation). So my conversation with the manager *seems* to have gone well, but I was too tired to be a good judge. The best thing seemed to be that the manager guy “got me” - he didn’t hate that I already had some sort of career and didn’t discount all of those dreadful credits of mine - instead he seemed impressed that I’ve been earning a living writing scripts that actually got made for the past two decades. He wants to talk when we get back to Los Angeles...

Transpo Gal zips by and tells me that we’ll be leaving soon, she just has to find Ian - who will be going with us. I try to imagine Ian in that pocket sized plane... can’t.

I drag my bag out to the curb in front of the hotel... and that’s when a producer grabs me. The producer knows who I am, IMDBed me, and has a script that is in serious need of a rewrite. This is *not* the rewrite gig I already had before I left Los Angeles, this is a whole new gig. The producer tells me a little about the project while I’m waiting for the large boat-like Lincoln Continental to show up or Ian to walk out... and the story sounds interesting... but the most interesting thing is that this is a $50m theatrical film. Someone else who will talk to me more when I get back to Los Angeles.

Ian comes out of the hotel, the Lincoln pulls up, and we are off to the airport.

WHEN TIME RAN OUT

Except we are not going to the airport. Ian wants to go to the Train Station, which is not really on the way to the airport, but is on the way out of town (away from the hotel). We drive there, and I talk to Transpo Gal, and learn about her and her husband and her stepdaughter and her short films. This is part of my job as a screenwriter - to interact with others of the human species and learn interesting things about their lives which may help me create a character later. Mostly, this involves *listening*. The A-TEAM movie came out over the weekend, and I interviewed the writers for Script Magazine, and part of interviewing people is making them feel comfortable enough with you that they forget you are interviewing them and think you are just having a conversation. In that interview, many folks said things they later asked me not to include in the interview. They spoke honestly... and may have been too honest. So anything they may have said that might have insulted a studio exec or someone else involved in the film did not make print.... but I made them feel comfortable enough to tell me those things. And that is part of my job as a writer.

So while Ian sat in the back seat, I listened to Transpo Gal talk about her life in Santa Fe. When we got to the Train Station, Ian looked at it and changed his mind. He wanted to go to Town Square instead. This required us to retrace our steps, driving back through traffic to Town Square... while I was looking at the time and now wondering if I was going to make my plane. I mentioned this, and Transpo Gal told me that Santa Fe was a small airport (noticed that on the way in) with only a handful of flights every day. No crowds to deal with, so getting there an hour before the flight probably wasn’t required. “Yes, but my bulkhead seat!” I did not say outloud.

We dropped off Ian at Town Square and then headed to the airport. I asked why Ian wanted to go to the Train Station in the first place, and found out that he had changed his flight out a half dozen times and even changed his day of departure a few times. This completely fit with other things I had observed at lunch - took him a while to order and he seemed to change his mind a few times. The result was, when Transpo Gal dropped me at the airport my flight would leave in about 40 minutes. Of course, the line at Security probably wouldn’t be very long, right?

RACE AGAINST TIME

I have lived in one bedroom apartments that were larger than the Santa Fe Airport. There’s a ticket counter. There’s a coffee shop. There’s a single gate. There’s a dinky waiting area on the other side of security. I race in with my bag, notice that there are about 4 people in line at the counter and 2 people in line at the computer check in machine, and pick the computer. Fidgeting while waiting. Looking at the time. Once I get my boarding pass and check my bag, I still have to get through security... which is closing up! I get to the front of the line, punch in my name and destination... and after getting to the very end of the process it tells me it can not check my bag because it is 30 minutes before departure.

I jump to the longer line in front of the human at the counter...

The plane to LAX leaves at 2:30. The only other plane out of the airport today is Dallas at 3:45. The people in line are all going to Dallas - buying tickets. Except for the people directly in front of me - this couple wants to go to Dallas, but they have some sort of ticket voucher for a plane going somewhere else and want to use it, and there are rules which must be bent to do this and the one person behind the counter doesn’t have the authority to bend them... so she keeps trying to phone someone who can approve of all of this... while time is ticking away! I’m going to be stuck in Santa Fe overnight!

What’s more, this couple seems to not have their ID in hand and have to search through carry on bags for it, and do that as slowly as possible, and anything that they mighty have done to prepare they have not done. It is now 10 minutes until the plane flies away and leaves me in Santa Fe...

The woman behind the counter returns and says she can’t give a yes or no, her supervisor will have to do that and he’s at lunch. Will be back in 10 minutes. At this point, I fear that they will want to wait at the front of the line until the guy comes back. Instead they decide to wait in the coffee shop - probably where the supervisor is having lunch. My turn... the phone rings and the woman behind the counter answers it. 7 minutes until my plane leaves. I untie my shoes and undo my belt and unzip my computer bag so that I can *run* through security like OJ in those car rental commercials, before he began killing people and then looking for the real killers. She hangs up the phone and I explain that I need to check my bag and get my boarding pass because the computer won’t give it to me because of the cut off time.

“It shouldn’t have done that, the plane for Dallas doesn’t leave for an hour and –“
“I’m not going to Dallas, I’m going to LAX.”
“Well, that plane is about to take off.”
“Yes, I know. I need to check this bag and get my boarding pass.”
“I’m not sure you’ll have enough time to get through security and everything.”
“Let’s try - it’ll be a challenge for me.”
“Well, you’ll have to be pretty fast,” she looks at the clock behind her as another minute ticks away, “you’ve only got 5 minutes.”
“Can you please check my bag.”
“You need me to check your bag?”
“Yes. This bag. On the scale. Here is my credit card for the fee.”
“Oh, we only take cash at the counter. For a credit card you have to check in at the automated check in.”
I rip through my wallet and pull out money. “Here - exact change - now check my bag please.”
“And your name again?”

I manage to RACE through security, carrying my shoes and belt to the boarding line. Bulkhead or emergency row seat on the pocket-sized plane? Not enough time to arrange that... more pretzel time.

Aside: All of this bicycle riding I have been doing recently has caused me to lose weight. This is great. I am also feeling better... and can obviously go for several days with minimum sleep because my blood is actually circulating. But I have lost over 2 inches around my waist, and my trousers will fall off without a belt. I mean, if I take off my belt, the fat ass that used to keep them up is no longer there to do that... and they fall down. You can cue up the Pants On The Ground guy’s hit song if you wish. But before going to Santa Fe, I decided to buy 3 new pair of trousers that reflected my slimmer waist and smaller ass. So the one *good* thing about running from security to the gate without first putting on my belt is that no one in the airport got to see my underpants. They were not the “forward thrusting” underpants, so even had my trousers fallen down, it would not have been much of a show. But I am actually going to make my plane, and that pigtailed gal who unloaded luggage by hand when we arrived was racing to put my bag on the plane. It was all going to work out! I was headed home.

TOO DAMNED HOT!

Except we are sent back to the tiny waiting room. It is too hot the fly the plane.

Too hot to fly the plane?

We file back into the miniature waiting room, No vending machines, not enough chairs... and the Dallas people are now starting to crowd in with us. There’s one guy who has his luggage on the seat next to him... while a dozen people are standing. And what would a story like this be without a ticking clock? There are huge glass windows facing West overlooking the plane... and as the sun begins to set the burning hot light will shoot through those windows and incinerate us like ants under a magnifying glass. Or, at least make it a lot hotter in here.

As more Dallas people cram into the tiny room our body heat doesn’t help matters. Also, the waiting room past security is designed for short term waits, and it is not airconditioned. The coffee shop and front desk are airconditioned because people (employees with a union) spend a lot of time there. Because it is all one big building, some of the front desk airconditioning makes its way over here... under all of the right circumstances. That does not describe today.

The Dallas plane lands, people exit, and it is still too hot to fly the plane.

We question this, and are given some vague answer about runway length and plane weight and altitude and heat... and none of it makes sense to me. I’ve flown into Phoenix which is much hotter than Santa Fe. Maybe it’s that altitude thing. They tell us this happens all the time - we just have to wait for it to cool off.

I try reading a book... and am just too uncomfortable. I’m squashed in here and it’s hot and I have had no sleep and no lunch and just want to go home and go to bed. Pretzeled into that pocket sized plane is beginning to sound good... at least it’s cooler than here.

As time passes - hours - the sun begins to set and it gets hotter and hotter in this little room. At one point, they offer anyone on the Dallas flight $300 and a free airplane ticket if they postpone their flight until tomorrow to bring down the weight of the plane. Hey, the Los Angeles people got here first - give me $300 and a free ticket and I’ll fly home tomorrow! But they are not offering us anything... not even food and water.

There are no bathrooms in this waiting area. If you have to go, you must find the armed TSA guard and get him to open the exit door, then enter the ticket counter area as if you were deplaning, use the restroom, then go back through security. You must take all of your carry on luggage with you, because the rules say no unattended bags - not even after those bags have gone through the ex-ray machine. A college girl sitting near me has to go, and takes her backpack and her computer bag and her purse and everything else with her... and then has to go through all of the crap at security to get back in. But what choice do we have?

The toothy gal with pigtails comes in every half hour to tell us it is still too hot to fly, and they are watching the temperature, and as soon as it cools off we will all fly out of here. Los Angeles plane first, then the Dallas plane - which is now several people lighter.

After waiting over three hours, they decide it’s close to cool enough to fly, and... Call to board the Dallas plane! Hey, we got here first!

The Los Angeles passengers jealously watch the Dallas people board the plane. The good news is that the waiting room is now much less crowded - no one’s butt is in my face - and everyone has a place to sit.

A half hour later, the Dallas people are deplaning and going into the ticket counter area. Still too hot to fly, so they have canceled the flight. Everyone gets a hotel voucher and rebooked on tomorrow’s flight out. Just think - they *could have got* $300 and a free ticket to anywhere in addition to this.

The toothy gal with pigtails tells us that their flight was canceled but the Los Angeles flight is still a go - we just have to wait for it to cool off.

I ask why, if this happens all the time, do they schedule flights in the afternoon when it is most likely to be too hot to fly? Why not fly to and from LAX in the morning or evening when it is cooler? I’m told the airport is only open in the late morning and afternoon. That makes no sense at all to me. Sure, from an employee angle you get all of your American Airlines and TSA people working a 6 hour block or whatever, which is probably cheaper than a split shift... but if it’s a regular problem that planes can not fly in the heat of the afternoon?

One of the guys served in Iraq, and says they would cool off planes with water tankers when it got too hot - why don’t they wheel up a tanker truck? And why keep the plane parked in direct sunlight?

ALIVE! (THE MOVIE)

Many of us are hungry, but the coffee shop has closed for the day. Some people decide to go out to the vending machines... but can not find the armed TSA guard - he’s on a break. When he returns, the college gal asks if she can leave her stuff in the waiting room - because it’s only this small group of us and the airport is closed and she doesn’t want to lug all of her stuff and then go back through security and... Well, it seems that rules are rules. She must take all of her stuff. That group goes out to the vending machines, one of which is broken. I know this because I can hear them pounding on it. Eventually one of the TSA people - they can go back and forth whenever they want and leave their stuff behind - goes to check and the pounding becomes much louder. The TSA guy says he almost broke the machine, but managed to get the candy bar out. From then on, any vending machine purchase is accompanied by loud pounding (off camera). Often swearing is involved. Once people get their candy bar, they must go through security all over again.

The sun is setting - and it is getting hotter and hotter in the waiting room. I’m wondering if the air conditioning shuts off at a certain time. We are sweating. I now know the home towns of everyone in the waiting room, what they do for a living, why they were in Santa Fe... and some of their secrets. Great material for characters in upcoming screenplays. One of the women is going to LAX to go to Hong Kong on business - so we talk about Hong Kong. One of the guys is a motivational speaker who has... er, HAD... a connecting flight at LAX to take him to a city where he is speaking. Though he is speaking tomorrow night, he *must* fly out today or he will arrive just in time to do his speech... and that isn’t going to work for him. Another guy is going home to London, and his problem is that he is flying Virgin Airlines from LAX - which is not a partner with American... and if he misses his London flight American can not instantly put him on a plane. There’s paperwork involved. We talk a little about London.

After waiting over 4 hours in the blazing hot sun, the toothy gal with pigtails brings us a bottle of water.

I joke that I’m going to call Dominos and let them send the pizzas and soft drinks through the ex-ray machine.

One of the guys who lives in Santa Fe, thinks this is a good idea - and calls his room mate to get him to bring him some Taco Bell food. The armed TSA guard tells him that won’t work - the airport is closed and locked at this time and they are not letting anyone inside. Plus, the unattended luggage thing - the guy would have to come through security with the Taco Bell bags, and to do that he would need an ID and a Boarding Pass... and they aren’t selling any more tickets for this delayed flight. The guy calls his roommate back and tells him to forget it. By then, the roommate has already bought the Taco Bell... and will be forced to eat it himself.

The threat of cannibalism is getting stronger. We are like those plane crash victims in the Andes who were forced to eat each other to survive... only our plane never left the gate.

So, if you are going to cannibalize people - is it best for all of us to pick one victim and eat all of them? Or to do some sort of pot luck thing where each of us donates a body part we could live without? Which of the passengers looks tender and juicy? What body part could I live without... that other people might want to dine on?

After 5 hours they bring us each another bottle of water - the last ones, we’re told. This is good because it will help me wash down passenger #17's foot, which is a little chewy. By now the sun is burning through the window, and I can feel myself getting a sunburn. If I had only brought along sunblock... but that would be a liquid that wouldn’t make it through TSA security. We are all burning up, tired and hungry and cranky and if I were not sweating like crazy I’d probably have to piss... but going through security is just too much hassle. The armed TSA guy - who is really nice - warns us that the rules say every so many passengers must go through a pat down and have their luggage torn apart, and we are getting close to that number again (someone had to go through this in the previous candy bar and bathroom run). We have empty water bottles, and there is serious talk about using them as bathrooms. I mean *serious* talk about it. The women are trying to figure out how they could do that.

After 6 hours of waiting, they bring us popsicles. One for each of us, but myself and another passenger end up with 2 that are frozen together. I hide my extra popsicle for fear that someone will kill me for it. The sun is blazing right through the window, now... magnified by the glass. We are all burning, and the popsicles are keeping us alive. My secret second popsicle melts before I can eat it. I tear a hole in the bag and drink the sweet syrupy water. Some gets on my face and dries in a red stain. I notice the London guy counting my popsickle sticks... and knowing that I got an extra... and plotting to bash my head in with his little rolling bag.

The college gal pleads with the armed TSA agent to let her leave her bags in the waiting room while she visits the bathroom. He’s nice, he understands, he knows it’s silly, but he must follow the rules. She must take all of her bags, and then go back through security. She grabs her stuff, he unlocks the door, and she goes to the bathroom...

They start up our plane.

The toothy gal with pigtails comes in and tells us it has just become cool enough to fly - well over 6 hours after we were supposed to take off. We grab our stuff, stand in line and show our IDs and boarding passes again and get on the plane before it gets hot again...

Meanwhile the college girl is going through security again... and gets the magic number. She is patted down and her luggage is torn apart. This just seems silly to me, as these bags have gone through security a half dozen times by this point and the airport is *closed* so there is no way any strange things from the outside world could have gotten into her bags. But it’s a race against time for her to make the plane, and she does just as they are about to close the cabin door. What would have happened if she had missed this plane after waiting close to 8 hours for it?

The plane door closes, I am *happy* to be squashed in the seat headed home. Two hours later I am at LAX on that shuttle that drives on active runways to get to the main gate, and after a half hour or so of waiting for my luggage, I’m on the blue shuttle van stuck on the 405 heading home... where I will sleep for a couple of days and then have some meetings on some projects including the assignment that just went to script.

Great to be back! Next time I fly into Albuquerque and rent a car or take a shuttle bus.

THE END...

Hey - if you want to go to the Screenwriting Conference at Santa Fe next year, click back there for more info. It's a great event and lots of fun... as long as your plane isn't delayed due to heat.

- Bill
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
TODAY'S SCRIPT TIP: What Can We Learn From TITANIC?
Dinner: El Pollo Loco - breast & wing and black beans and corn.
Bicycle: Medium - to an undisclosed coffee shop location.
Pages: 5 Pages on the new assignment.