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I just spent a couple of weeks at a film festival, a day flying home, I’m jet-lagged beyond belief, I spent yesterday doing laundry... what I really *need* to do today is sleep...

But it’s the first day of the Screenwriter’s Expo in Los Angeles.

Since the very beginning, the Expo has been held at the LA Convention Center downtown. *Thousands* of screenwriters from all over the world pack the place for three days of wall-to-wall screenwriting classes and panels and lectures by people like William Goldman. The problem with downtown is that it’s bumper-to-bumper traffic all the way, and you wouldn’t want to park your car there... plus lot parking can be expensive. There are also few places to eat, and you need sterling credit to afford a convention center hot dog.

I live a block away from the Universal City subway station... oh, you didn’t know Los Angeles even had subway? Well, after having so much smog that the EPA could literally shut down the city, they decided to appease them with some mass transit. Every other city has mass transit, why not LA? Of course, LA is the pork-belly politics capitol of the world, so instead of a less expensive elevated rail system, they decided to have a classy subway. Sure it would cost billions and screw up traffic for years... but the subway would make Los Angeles a world class city like London....

Having just come from London, where I walked across the street from where I was staying and entered a subway station, then took the subway to the airport - there are *two* subway stations right inside Heathrow! ... I can tell you that the Los Angeles subway system is a huge joke. Due to all of the politics, it doesn’t go anywhere you would want to go. It sure as hell doesn’t get anywhere near the airport. It *does* go to MacArthur Park, where the heroin addicts hang out. It also goes to the Amtrak station. Of course, it had to stop at downtown Hollywood... where the hookers and cross-dressing hookers hang out. And there are no tickets or turnstiles, it’s all on the honor system... so the heroin addicts can hop a train and go someplace else.

But the one good thing about the subway - it *almost* goes to the Convention Center. Due to some stupid planning, it doesn’t quite make it, but you can connect to another silly toy train that takes you the dozen blocks to... well, still two blocks away from the Convention Center. Still, since I live a block from the subway station, it’s a million times faster than stop-and-go rush hour traffic. So, once a year I ride the subway... to Expo.

Except this year they’ve moved the Expo to a couple of airport hotels. The only traffic worse than going downtown is going to the airport. I once drove my friend Bob to the airport at 4am... and we were in stop-and-go traffic. Where are people going at 4am?

My Expo classes began this year at 10am and 8am and 10am... It would take me half the day to get there in rush hour traffic! And I mentioned the subway gets nowhere near the airport, right? So, while I’m waiting for my flight to London 2 weeks ago, I book a room in the hotel *between* the two hotels where they are holding the Expo. I can roll out of bed and go right to my 8am class! I check in on Thursday, and bump into someone who knows me from the website - I tell them I just got back from London and they say that it takes a full day for every hour in the air to get over jet-lag. I was in the air 10-11 hours... so is that just any day, or a day where you get 8 hours sleep?

I really need to sleep, but instead I go to the opening night party.

NEW TIME, NEW CHANNEL

Expo used to be in mid-November, which gave me some time to recover from Raindance... but this year I have that one day (when I do laundry). I don’t know why they changed the dates... but now Expo happens at the exact same time as the Austin Film Festival. Coincidence? I was invited back to Austin, but had to decline due to Expo. Next year I may skip Expo and go to Austin.

The good news about Expo being at the airport hotels: Lots of places to go to lunch or dinner... and you can walk down the street without being involved in a drive by shooting. All of the hotels have restaurants and bars, and there’s a Burger King just across the street. Plus, a Denny’s if you want to walk a few blocks. This may not sound like much, but every year at Expo there was no place to go for a meal (except Original Pantry) after the Convention Center café closed. Also, no place to drink - and every party had to be catered at huge expense. Also, you *can* literally roll out of bed and go to class... which I did almost every morning. I really needed sleep, but I had a class to teach at 8am!

I end up in the hotel *between* both event hotels, which is convenient. Half my classes are at one hotel and the other half... well, I seem to never have two classes in a row at the same hotel. I’ll be doing a lot of walking... and some running. When you have a half hour between classes and you tend to run over and students tend to want to hang around afterwards and gab... you find yourself running to the next class. There’s a shuttle bus, but my timing seemed to always be off. All of the running around didn’t help the “tired factor”.

The biggest problem seemed to be very small rooms. There were big rooms... and some rooms (the California Suites) that where so small you couldn’t fit a class in them. One of my classes was in this shoe box with a Max Op of 30... and we had something like 40 people ten minutes before the class started. I was claustrophobic. Just beyond the doorway I could see the hotel’s pool and a covered area with lots of lounge chairs. I told the volunteer at the door that I was going to teach the class over there. The volunteer told me we’d need permission for that, and I replied that she could get the permission, while I took the class out to the pool. The volunteer went beyond the call of duty and actually got permission... and I had a group of people at poolside for a class! One woman rolled up her pants and put her feet in the pool. That’s California, baby!

Another problem was other events at the hotel. There was a 50th Class Reunion going on at the same time, and one night the lower lobby was packed with drunk old folks. Impossible to get around them to the up escalator - so you were trapped until they got too drunk to stand. There were also some panels on some other floor - I wanted to sit in on one, but by the time I figured out how to get there the thing was half over.

Another class was in some shoe box at the other hotel, and once we packed the room with about twice as many people as the fire marshal would allow, the place got really hot. Not enough AC for the crowd. We suffered through it... but it was not pleasant. People crowded *on the floor* with no AC. The heat was making me sleepy... I really need to get some sleep. My eyes are bloodshot, so I use those fancy designer sunglasses from the Raindance goody bag... then put them I my back pocket when I go to teach a class. Later that day I sit down... and break them. I think I wore them for half an hour.

After my last class on Sunday I wander into the Dealer Room... which seemed much smaller than the one at the Convention Center. Also, fewer dealers. The Expo sent me a bunch of letters about buying a table in the dealer room... and I tossed them. Usually I set up in the Script Magazine booth... often because Script wants me to run the danged booth for them. The first couple of years I ran the Script booth *and* taught classes. I closed the booth when I had a class. After complaining that I was the only writer for the magazine at the booth, they began scheduling others... who often didn’t show or didn’t stick around, so I ran the booth anyway. I finally said “No more!” and last year other people actually manned the booth. This year, Script wasn’t even there. They have their own event, now, and don’t need to go to Expo. Leaving me nowhere to sell my bag of CDs. I kept forgetting to mention the CDs and the website at my classes. I’m lousy at the business end of this thing - more interested in writing than money.

I really need to get some sleep... but there’s a party tonight.

REALLY EXPENSIVE BEER

Good thing about having the event at the hotel was they could have real parties - all of them were poolside. The Thursday night party had three bars (with lines) and crackers and cheese. I was standing in the long drink line, talking to one of my stalkers, Matt, and trying to stay awake... when I noticed the two hot women in really short white shorts.

Okay, all of us here are screenwriters. And I think very few of us would ever be confused with fashion models. If I ever did a Calvin Klein underwear ad, it would be banned by every civilized country... or shown to prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison as an interrogation technique they use after the waterboard fails. Screenwriters are not known for being “really hot”. If we were, we wouldn’t want to sit alone in a room for a living.

So when I saw these two really hot women, they seemed out of place. They were dressed to be noticed - and *everyone* noticed them. The woman in the drink line in front of me noticed them. They were the center of attention.

After paying a “hotel rate” for a beer, I watched the women stand in line for the cheese - there was a wheel of brie under a heat lamp that was the centerpiece of the spread. One of the hot women did something with the cheese knife that managed to *launch* the plate of brie across the poolside area, where it missed all of the screenwriters but managed to hit the walkway - shattering the plate into a zillion pieces and sending the brie wheel on a short roll that ended when the cheese wheel hit the eaten portion - kind of a flat tire. The two hot women took turns bowing - the center of attention! Then they *didn't* want to be the center of attention and zoomed to the back of the crowd... where my friend Rob latched onto them. Rob is a writer-producer who took my 2 day class once. He was laughing with them the rest of the night.

I had a couple more “hotel rate” beers, tried not to step in the brie, and retired to my room. I needed to get some sleep before my morning class.

There were parties every night, some with actual food. Pretty good food. Free food. I think that was the best thing about having the event at the hotels - free food.

HI BILL!

My picture is up there, and everyone know what I look like... so people are constantly stopping me in the halls and talking with me. Some of these people I know, some I can’t remember, others are people I have never met... but I keep thinking I’ve forgotten them from some other event. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep? I really need to sleep...

Matt, my stalker, was in the very first class I ever spoke to at Art Center Pasadena. He usually takes all my classes at Expo... following me from room to room. Since he’s this tall, long haired guy wearing what he describes as “bondage pants”, this can be kind of creepy. He has an interesting day job, selling search & rescue equipment - so he’s done all kind of search & rescue training. Matt will be spending more time pitching than following me from room to room this year.

I see these two guys who look familiar, and they “Hey Bill!” me... they were in the Arizona 2 day class. We have a couple of beers together at one of the parties.

A cute British gal introduces herself to me - she took my 2 day class at Raindance a couple of years ago. I tell her I just came from there - haven’t gotten over the jet lag, yet. In fact, have been so busy that I haven’t had any jet lag yet. I really need to sleep right now... but I probably won’t get to really sleep until this whole thing is over.

My friend Paul from NYC is there - I’ve known Paul online for over decade. He was one of the original Compuserve Screenwriting forum members. We have lunch one of the days... and I end up spilling mashed potatoes on my jeans... realizing this about halfway through my class when I look down for some reason. Swell.

I also meet Emily (White Board Markers blog) for 3 seconds. I’m standing in the never-ending-Starbucks-line and see this familiar face, but have no idea where I know her from. Since I see so many people at these events that I’ve seen from previous events, I often have that “I know you from somewhere” feeling. She’s working as a volunteer, trying to solve about a million problems at once, but races over for a second to say hello. Cool.

I meet a bunch of other people I know from online, which is always cool. As strange as this may sound, some of you folks are like family I’ve never met. Some of you folks I know from message boards and others from my site - and when I see your names on a CD order or something I “recognize” you. Always cool to meet you in person and put a face to the name.

Also in my classes are the Daws brothers (they won the contest and ended up with a Script Secrets messenger bag)... and Chris Billet, who has a brand new horror movie *UNREST* showing in Cinemas - you should all go! Here’s a website link: UNREST!

WHAT ARE THE OTHER GUYS DOING?

Last day of the Expo, and people are coming up to me in the halls and complimenting me on my classes. Most are telling me that mine were the best classes they took, and last year the student feedback put me in the “Gold Circle” or whatever they call it. This is kind of strange, because I’m so danged exhausted and in need of sleep that I think all of my classes have been challenges to stay awake. When people tell me they liked my classes, I ask “Why?” and the answers are kind of interesting. Seems that other teachers aren’t giving any actual information. Some are just plugging their classes or books for 2 hours (I keep forgetting to mention my free website, and I’m taking 98% of the CDs I brought from London to sell at Expo back home with me). Also, people are saying that I’m passionate and animated (I’m half asleep!). I think this is my most low energy Expo... so I wonder what the other guys are like. And how do you talk for 2 hours about *nothing*? That seems more difficult to me than talking about practical techniques you can use today. Easier to describe a hammer than describe a cloud.

Also, my theory is that a good class is the best plug for whatever I’m selling. If you get a lot of information out of the class, you’ll be more likely to buy a $5 Blue Book (it may have a lot of info, too). Of course, I forgot to plug my Blue Books and CDs and classes most of the time.

After Expo was over FunJoel had his annual bloggers party at the hotel’s sports bar. Though everyone in the world was invited, only a handful of folks showed up. We talked about everything under the sun. It was cool to meet people who write some of the other blogs I read. If you’ve got a blog, you need to show up next year!

After a few beers it was time for me to head home.... and finally get some sleep.

Well, not really... because Americn Film Market begins in just over a week and Thursday is the Final Draft Big Break Screenwriting Awards party...

Was that 10-11 days to get over jet lag or 10-11 days with 8 hours sleep to get over jet lag?

- Bill

47 comments:

Cathy Krasnianski said...

I was another one of those volunteers who said hi to you in the hallways, but you'd never remember.

I've been to all five Expos now, and found - with the exception of the food - very lacking, and those mouse-sized rooms laughable.

It will be interesting to see what they do next year.

David said...

I went to expo 4, took Bill's class, yeah! Don't think I'll go back, though. I would if I lived in L.A., it's cheap enough to justify just going to the freebies. Screenwriters seem a singularly gullible bunch, when it comes to believing that just one more book or seminar or class or writer's group will put them in front of a producer who will love their stuff. Like "flipping" real estate will make you a millionaire overnight, 'cause you bought the course. I could never stand sitting in classrooms anyway, but then none of them had a pool!

Coverage:
This is a poorly formed blog entry, with no story arc and an unsatisfying conclusion.

Emily Blake said...

I kept meaning to go back and sit in on your seminar. When I saw you that was the first thing I'd been ordered to do, so at that point I had no idea just how busy my day would be. Then I never saw you again.

I do remember yours was the only useful seminar I sat in on last year. You're right; most of the other presenters spend their time plugging their own crap and not teaching anything useful.

Everybody in the volunteer room was very impressed with your decision to take the class outside. It was discussed at length with admiration.

ObiDonWan said...

Bill,
it's obvious that you give more than 100% of yourself to help others and I think everyone picks up on this quickly. The only ones who don't are those who would consider that to be an alien attitude...

wcmartell said...

Crap. I was hoping to sell this blog entry to Paramount for $2.5 million and retire!

It's hard to believe that nobody else went out to the pool with their class - it was right across from the shoeboxes.

- Bill

David said...

"Coverage:
This is a poorly formed blog entry, with no story arc and an unsatisfying conclusion."

I meant my reply, actually. I was covering myself. A lame joke in need of a rewrite...

As for YOUR blog entry - I see DeNiro starring, maybe Bill Murray could play the pool, and Nicole Kidman as the fairy princess of jet lag, exhausting screenwriters with a single tap of her rubber nose-tipped wand.

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