Fixing ON THE LOT

Obviously, there are no writers on this show... which is why it doesn't work at all.

Here's what I would have done:

1) Start with 15 contestants - 50 is just crazy.

2) A dozen challenges that actually flex their filmmaking muscles (or show them to be girlymen). I would have modeled the show on THE FIVE OBSTRUCTIONS kind of...

a) Pitch their take.
b) Make a team movie.
c) Make a documentary.
d) Make a movie based on some random elements (like those 24 hour movie challenges).

Then take 5 or 6 scripts and pass them out at random and every week they all make one of those scripts as...

e) Make a silent movie (no title cards - visually told).
f) Make a comedy.
g) Make a horror movie.
h) Make a western.
i) Make a romance.
j) Make it Dogme style.

These would all be the same 5 or 6 scripts alternating - so one of the scripts might be written as a thriller, but they have to *film it* as a comedy. Using their *direction* to change the genre. And it would be fun to see the same stories pop up in different genres every week.

Plus, I'd have a stock cast - a talent pool of actors. Enough actors so that no two films each week would have the same actors... bit every week we would see the same actors tackling different roles in different genres. This repetory cast would be a reason to tune in - familiar faces in different roles. Plus, we could see how well the directors work with *actors* - if one actor is great in one director's film, then over the top or just bland in some other director's film, we can surmise that one director works well with actors and the other doesn't.

K) Final Exam: Make a movie based on the same character - but any genre or story they can think of.

The movies are 3 minutes or 2 minutes - so we have time to see them all and get some background and set up the cliffhanger vote - so that we can axe 'em at the opening of the next episode.

And have some good judges - these people are brain dead. They need someone who can *discuss directing* - and a nurturer, a Simon Cowell and a *really famous* guest judge. And a better host - this woman has problems reading cue cards!

Big problem with these films is we have apples and oranges - 4th episode: the musical was great, but it's so different than the Meet The Parents thing or the doc on the Gay comic or the toilet version of LOTR or the date thing that you can't judge them. You need to give everyone a *type* of task so that we have similarities to judge on. I think it's more realistic, too - because a director in this biz is going to be *hired* to direct some project.

IMPORTANT UPDATE

Yesterday's Lunch: Mini carrot cake at Starbucks.
Movies: BLACK SHEEP - you *must* see this film! Funny and Frightening and featuring killer sheep!
Pages: Cut a quarter page in the Guy Blows Up script and added a quarter page at he end - I think it's done! Also wrote a 10 page article for Script Mag on... BLACK SHEEP. You must see this film!

- Bill

Bumper to Bumper

So, my friend Rod and I are headed to the movies on Saturday afternoon - and we hit bumper to bumper traffic on the 405. We could have got out and walked faster than the cars were moving. This is on the weekend, in the middle of the afternoon. Not rush hour. No reason we could see for the slow down - no fender bender or stalled cars... people just driving slow. A great deal of lane jockying - and I think that creates slow down. One car sees the traffic moving just a little faster in the other land and changes lanes... slowing down both the lane they were in and the lane they are now in. Multiply that by hundreds of drivers and you have gridlock.

We missed our movie, and waited for two hours until the next showing.

Warned you I was going to bitch about traffic on the 405...



IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Yesterday’s Lunch: Caesar Salad with chicken, no anchovies.
Movies: I saw a whole bunch of films bumper-to-bumper, too, including.... HOSTEL 2 in a cinema... The original plan was to see OCEAN’S 13, but it was sold out and the only other thing showing at that time was the torture porn sequel.

SPOILERS!
Much better than the first film. It actually develops the characters, and has some good suspense, and some really good twists. But in the end, it's about bathing in virgin blood and skillsaws jammed in people's faces and head removals... Even though it gives us more information about characters, it still keeps its distance from them - they are meat.

That's the main problem - we never get involved, we are spectators.Movie starts strong with the survivor of the last film worried that they will find him - and plagued by nightmares. They actually lift a scene from Hitchcock's 39 STEPS, which it a plus - stealing from the best.

Eventually we get to our 3 gals on a backpacking vacation. The rich girl, the slut and the ugly duckling (Heather Matarazzo - who steals every movie she's in). Where, in the first film we just got to see the guys exploiting everyone (making us hate them and hope they get that drill through the head later), this time around our gals are on the Eurorail from hell - filled with thieves and potential rapists and all kinds of threats - that generate some suspense early on.

Though the rich girl is supposed to be our ID character, Roth seems unable to pull this off - and that's where the film goes wrong. It's almost as if he knows she's just going to be meat later in the story, so he treats her like meat throughout the film. Too bad. She's the "normal one" who feels responsible for the slut and the ugly duckling... but that never really comes across.

Once they get to the Hostel, the movie shifts focus. We get this great sequence where our 3 gals are basically put on e-bay and members of the "hunting club" bid to torture them. It's almost funny as they show people all over the world bidding while in the middle of their normal day.

Two of the winners are American businessmen - and we follow them for a while. Interesting stuff here, too - one is gung-ho, the other really isn't sure he can do this. So we actually get into the minds of the torturers. My favorite line pops up with these two guys - discussing lawless 3rd world places like Chad and New Orleans.

More suspense at the Hostel, as there seems to be danger all around the gals - but they don't see it or don't understand it. There is s great harvest festival sequence where everything seems to be a threat - and some scary costumed people, and scary regular people... and a cool bit where the torturers and soon-to-be-tortured cross paths: neither knowing who the others are.

This is in the middle of act 2 - pacing is much better this time around. After that, people go missing and there are some twists and turns and early escapes and recaptures and later escapes and more twists and... well, all of those power tools.

And here's where things come crashing down for me. Because, though this is better than the first film - it's still a freakin' snuff movie at heart. It's still about skill saws to the face. And more character stuff about the people who get tortured and killed doesn't make me feel any better about it. Maybe it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel sick and dirty. I don't like the other people in the cinema - and I kind of fear them. And I kind of fear myself - I paid to see this, didn't I?

It's strange, because I can laugh my butt off at BAGMAN and cheer some violent revenge film... but torture just because it's "cool" repulses me. Maybe it's because violence as a biproduct of revenge means there is a motivation - and revenge is about someone who has been wronged. But violence just as something cool seems unmotivated (insane, depraved, sick). I'm all for killing the guy who tried to kill you... but killing some randomly selected person for sport? I think the problem with HOSTEL 2 is that its point is that we all like to see skill saws tear up people's heads... and I don't.

The film flopped big time, so they are saying that horror is dead. But some of this is probably marketing's fault (and you'll want to save this, because I will never say that again). The poster shows the guy in the outfit ready to torture you - focus on the torture rather than the story or characters. The trailer showed all of the torture stuff - appealing to people who like to see skill saws and people's faces connect.

A *better* trailer would have been the "e-bay sequence" - where people check in to a Hostel, the kindly desk clerk takes their passports, they go to their room - nicer than they expected, the kindly desk clerk takes the passports to a back office and scans in the pictures... then we see people all over the world get calls on their Blackberrys - the passport photo of the guest and a minimum bidding amount... and the bidding becomes a feeding frenzy! Finally, we see the guy who wins.

What's good about this as a trailer is that it feeds into *your* paranoia. It's not about torture, it's about a tourist you can identify being turned into property without them even knowing it. Wait - will that happen when *I* go on vacation later this summer? We can put ourselves in the shoes of the tourists... and that emotionally invests us in the film before we have even seen it. Now we want to see how these tourists will get out of it... and what will happen to them if they don't. It asks a question - rather than gives us an answer (that not many of us are interested in).

Another element is that at the end of the day, it's still the same movie as the first one. Backpackers check in to a hostel where people use power tools on them. Why would an audience want to see the same film again?

But... once you've seen the movie, word of mouth isn't going to help. "The exact same story done better than the first, but still creepy in a bad way."

Other Movies: AURA (French), FIDO, OCEAN’S 13, FANTASTIC 4... more on them later.
Pages: Actually finished the new draft of the Guy Blows Up script... but now I want to cut a quarter page so that I can add a quarter page top the end.

- Bill

Fan Mail From Some Flounder?

Over the weekend I went to a Visual FX Expo, and it brought up an interesting question about screenwriting. I never planned on going to this expo, I didn’t even know it was going on. My friend Rod, from my home town, called and asked if I wanted to have breakfast with him. I haven’t seen Rod in several months - he used to run the Public Access studio in my home town and is the tech on my audio classes. He took a day job a while back as the factory rep for some visual effects software, and ended up becoming the factory expert who trained guys at FX houses on how to use it. So he accidentally became a guy with a bunch of visual FX connections, and started doing visual FX on a bunch of movies - like HOOT. So we have breakfast, and I ask him why he’s in town - a movie? - no, he’s here for this expo. Hey, would I be interested in going? Doug Trumbell is going to be there.

Hell, yes! I trash my work weekend and go to hear panels talk about visual effects.

Sunday’s program seemed designed for me. First up was John Knoll, visual effects guy for all three PIRATES movies. Now, I’m kind of on the other side of these films. I remember having dinner with Terry and Ted and others at the Robert Blake murder scene (Vitellos) soon after the crime - and Ted pitching the story in the parking lot for the first film. They had just landed the job, and this was the raw creative material that would go into the screenplay. The cursed pirates, the Governor’s daughter who must chose between three men, and those three men - the pirate, the swordmaker, and the dashing sea captain. It was great to hear the story *before* they had cast the movie. Later, Ted took me on a tour of the sets on the Disney lot that began with a tour of the production offices where pages torn from books on the period gave way to conceptual sketches which lead to storyboards which lead to models of the sets which lead to the actual sets themselves: the blacksmith set and the treasure cave.

I knew how the story began, and the visual FX guy was going to give me the final chapter. Very interesting stuff - including the FX guy’s version of how a standard length script becomes a 3 hour movie. The director keeps adding stuff. One of the interesting things was how the skeleton pirates became a challenge because motion capture requires a ton of light and the characters wearing strange outfits - and duplicating those moves on set and then in the motion capture room was basically impossible - so they used a very labor intensive method to use the actual performances as models for the skeletons. They loved the challenge of finding the way to make the FX part of the story and part of the character (part of the crew, part of the ship). For the 2nd and 3rd movies they developed a brand new motion capture system that works *on the set* so that Davy Jones *is* Bill Nighy. Whatever you can imagine, they will find a way to do.


One of the highlights of Knoll’s presentation was the blooper reel - where CG pirates lost their CG clothes in the middle of a scene or two CG characters became conjoined twins in the middle of a scene when their paths crossed. I hope they put this stuff on the DVDs.

Next up was a panel of FX legends discussing the 50 most influential FX movies. John Knoll moderated, and he brought an FX magazine he bought as a kid that had interviews with every single panelist - from Doug Trumbell (2001) to Dennis Murren (JURASSIC PARK and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS) to John Dykstra (STAR WARS). He was a huge fan of these guys when he was a kid, and they were the reason why he got into the business. And as they went down the panel and asked each why they became interested in special effects, they all mentioned movies they fell in love with as a kid... and how they found out who created that magic on screen, and became fans of those FX guys. Ray Harryhausen’s name came up again and again,.the Lydekker Brothers (WIZARD OF OZ) and several others. All of the ILM guys got into the business because of Trumbell and 2001. One of the names they mentioned was Albert Whitlock...

You know those birds in THE BIRDS? Whitlock. You know that earthquake in EARTHQUAKE? Whitlock. He was the FX guy at Universal, and every big FX movie Universal did had Whitlock’s fingerprints on it. As a kid, I was amazed by FX in movies - the magic part that can not be real - and noticed Whitlock’s name as FX guy again and again. So, I wrote him a couple of fan letters. And as an 18 or 19 year old, got a chance to meet him. I gave him a welcome mat - a joke, because his specialty was matte shots. There’s this scene in Hitchcock’s TORN CURTAIN where Paul Newman walks through a huge mansion... which doesn’t exist. It’s a painting by Albert Whitlock. There’s a scene in, I think, DAY OF THE LOCUST where hundreds of people are dancing in a huge ballroom - those people are *paintings* by Whitlock, articulated by having a second painting behind the first that is moving back and forth - like the old Hamms Beer signs that had a waterfall. Anyway, I was a huge fan of Whitlock and he’s one of the reasons why I’m in this business....

And this made me wonder about screenwriters.

There are *fans* for FX guys, and *fan magazines* for FX. When some kid sees PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END and becomes fascinated with Davy Jones and his crew and wonder how they did that... and find themselves interested in the FX on the movie and see in the credits that John Knoll was the FX Supervisor and start to look at other films he’s worked on... and become fans. They end up subscribing to CineFantastique or one of the other FX magazines and include Special Effects in their list of "Things I want to be when I grow up". And some of these kids will send fan letters or welcome mats and might even evolve from fan to FX supervisor.

Do kids ever notice who wrote that film? There are now some screenwriting magazines, but do you think kids who become fans of writers (if that even happens) seek out those screenwriting magazines and read them the way the FX fans do?

There was a story on the news today about a SAG (Screen Actors) program to encourage kids to write. There were hundreds of kids in a theater and some TV stars reading some of their work. All of these kids were from lower income areas and writing stories empowered them. Wanda DeJesus from one of those CSI shows said she hoped this program would create the playwrights and screenwriters of the future - writers with a unique view of the world that is under-represented in Hollywood. Wait a minute! Why is SAG doing this and not WGA?

But a moment later they interviewed a kid and asked him he wanted to be a writer when he grew up... said no.

Writers - not what kids want to be when they grow up.

Just not interesting enough. They don’t see the *magic* in screenwriting the way they see the *magic* in turing Bill Nighy into Davy Jones. There aren’t kids becoming fans of screenwriters. Forming little clubs in their tree houses or backyard forts and discussing screenwriting the way they discuss movie monsters. There is no Forrey Ackerman of screenwriting. No Fango Convention for screenwriting - sure, there’s Expo and Showcase... but people who go to those events want to pitch their scripts, not stand in line for an Alvin Sargent autograph.

Screenwriters often don’t even know who wrote their favorite movies. That’s just weird.

I may be strange, but in addition to Albert Whitlock’s FX I also became interested in movies due to Dan Mainwarring, the guy who wrote OUT OF THE PAST and INVASION OF THE BODYSNATCHERS (remade with Nicole Kidman). Oh, and throw Ben Hecht and John Michael Hayes in there too. I started noticing that my favorite movies were written by the same people, and became a fan of those people. Screenwriters. Which may make me a freak in the screenwriting world.

I think screenwriters deserve to have fans - but that needs to start with us. We need to be fans. We need to know who wrote that. We need to talk about screenwriters the way many of us talk about directors. We need to be excited about *screenwriting* and be fans of *screenwriters*.

And we need to figure out some way to get kids interested in screenwriting. Not just the next generation of screenwriters, we need to get those kids who love movies to realize that someone wrote that film... they way they notice the FX and become fans of that FX artist. That means we need to show kids the magic of creation. Someone created that story - a screenwriter. They used their imagination to come up with the *idea* of Davy Jones and his crew being of the sea... so that the FX guys could come in and use their computers to turn that screenwriter’s creation into something on film... the same way a director takes something from our imagination and puts it on screen.

The magic starts with us.

Our imagination. Our creativity.

We start with a blank page... and create characters and worlds and amazing events.

I think that deserves some fan attention.


IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Yesterday’s Lunch: One of those sour cream cinnamon cake things at Starbucks.
Movies: Man, I need to get to the cinema! They keep releasing films, and I managed to go the whole weekend without seeing anything - usually I see a movie on Friday and one on Sunday.
UNKNOWN on DVD - a bunch of stars, but I never noticed this film in cinemas. A twisty thriller that needed more character work, a theme, and a more clearly defined relationships... But the real problem was the gimmick - completely unbelievable! Killed the film from the opening scene! See, 5 guys wake up in a warehouse and all 5 have no memory at all of who they are or how they got there. Three are kidnappers and two are the kidnaped - but nobody knows who is what. The *excuse* for how 5 guys would all get amnesia at the same time just seems contrived and lame. When you start off with something unbelievable, no matter how clever the rest of the film is, you just can’t get into it. Adding to that is that we have no idea who any of these people are - on purpose.
Pages: Puttered around on the Action Book rewrite - but really didn’t do much.

- Bill

There Is Progess To Report

One of the problems with the never ending to do list is that it just never ends. As soon as I finish something, something else pops up. And most of the time I feel like I spend more time running from one project to the other than actually working on projects. So part of my thing is going to be an attempt at focus - even though real life doesn’t seem to give me one thing at a time. But even with all that running around, I managed to complete some things.

I had a producer who picked a script from the bottom of my list to read - a script that was 20 years old and needed a page one rewrite before I showed it to anyone. So I did a page one on that script and managed to write some good new scenes and threw enough putty and paint on the old scenes to make it work. That was delivered... and I suspect it’s sitting on some huge stack on the producer’s desk and he’ll read it some time before the end of the year... and hate it.

I also did a page one rewrite on my Guy Blows Up script. I’d written that script without an outline - and as I wrote it I learned why I always use outlines. Halfway through the first draft I scrapped almost everything and started again... and it still didn’t work! I put it away and worked on some other stuff, came back and reread it... and thought I had the answer. The main reason why I looked at it - I mentioned the concept to a manager a couple of months ago and he was interested in reading it. I needed to do the rewrite before I showed it to him. For the new version, I created a whole new secondary character and about 30% of the script became new scenes for this character (a cop chasing our hero). That meant 30% of the old scenes had to go. Well, how do you cut almost a third of your script? I cut whole sections from the script to make room for the new stuff... and in some cases it was easy because the new material covered some of the same story stuff as the old material.

I got to the end - a new first draft - and couldn’t print the sucker because my toner cartridge was at UPS due to some delivery screw up. Then they returned it to the sender after they told me they were holding it 5 days for me to pick it up. UPS fault, but that doesn’t help me print the script. So I created a PDF of the new first draft and sent it to some writer friends for notes... and *seconds* before sending it I made a major change to the end. A change that required some set up that didn’t exist. Oh, and *after* everyone got the script I realized that one of my new scenes contained the exact same info as one of the existing old scenes, creating that sledgehammer effect (Okay, I get it already!). But it’s a rough draft and I just want to make sure the new 30% works in the story and doesn’t seem like something added later (which it was). So far - all of the problems I knew about have been pointed out and people say the 30% new material is their favorite part of the script (even though they had no idea it was new). So this script is now going through one more draft... in my spare time. I hope the manager is still waiting.

In the middle of all this - I had to write an article for a European film magazine. If you think I get rich on stuff other than screenwriting, you are soooooo wrong! Script Magazine, where I am the West Coast Editor and have a column in every issue, pays me $600 a year. You read that right. This European magazine doesn’t even pay me pizza and beer money - it’s just pizza money... and one topping pizza money... with a coupon. I’ve paid more to park my car in Century City than I make from these guys. Anyway, I’d already turned in my article and crossed that off the to do list when I got an e-mail from the editor: Due to some rights problem they couldn’t get the art work for that article, could I write another? Before the magazine goes to press in a couple of days? Sure! Not a problem. Back on the to do list. So I wrote that article and got it to them by press time. Back off the list.

The biggest thing that got crossed off the to do list was this possible waste of time Sequel Project. This producer who loves my work (but has never bought anything) has a connection with the home video division of a major studio. Now, in case you haven’t noticed, DVD is the new mother lode. DVDs make something like 3 times theatrical. Studios are rethinking the idea of direct to video - now, that’s the best thing that can happen with a movie - video is where the money is. So studios have started direct to video divisions - name the studio, they are ramping up production of movies that will probably never see the big screen - yet make more money than that big summer blockbuster you just wasted $10 on. So look for many more slices of AMERICAN PIE on your video shelves.

Anyway, studios are going to producers they have deals with to make these films, and this producer who loves my work (yet hasn’t bought any of it) asked me to find movies from the studio he has a deal with that might look good with a number after the title. My (unpaid) job was to make a list of films the studio had made that could spawn a sequel, then come up with the idea for that sequel and pitch them to the producer. That’s kind of 3 parts to this (unpaid) job. Adding to the difficulty was that other producers were doing the exact same thing - looking for films to sequel in this studio’s library. And, for all I know, my producer has sent every writer he knows out to do this. So, I figured if I was going to turn this unpaid job into a paid job, I’d needed to find the films that no one else knew about or find sequels to movies that could never have a sequel.

So step 1 - finding the movies in the studio’s library - was more time consuming than I planned on it being. The first thing I did was look at my DVD shelf, find the movies from this studio, then find the ones that I thought no one else knew about. Oddly, some of my favorite films from this studio were somewhat obscure. Next, I walked the aisles at Blockbuster and did kind of the same thing - and I found some films that I’m sure no one could think of a sequel to. A couple of major flops from the studio that I thought no one would suggest - even though sequels were possible. My theory is that an interesting direct to video film might create some interest in a theatrical flop. Yes, that’s a long shot. But this whole thing is a long shot.

Anyway, that list was in my computer bag for a couple of months - I would scribble sequel ideas in my spare time. Finally, I realized I needed to just set aside a couple of days to focus on this and get it done.

Step 2 - coming up with the sequel ideas and writing them up... I realized that it would be good strategy to focus on movies that could spawn more than one sequel. That would be attractive to the producer - he would probably be in charge of making all of the other sequels if he made the first one. Also attractive to *me* because I might write the other sequels. So I wasn’t only going to focus on the films that would spawn more than one sequel, I was going to come up with at least 2 high concept sequels for each existing film. Some of the films ended up with 4 high concept sequel ideas.

So I did some triage - and focused on the 20 movies that I thought were the best shot...
Yes, that’s somewhere around 50 high concept ideas.

Many of these ideas are stand alones - if nothing happens at the studio, I can probably write them up or pitch them as *non-sequels* somewhere else. The high concept that I came up with usually is better than the original theatrical film’s idea.

The stand alone possibility is stronger in the movies that don’t seem to have a sequel in them - one of the things I did there is identify a character or aspect of the original film that could be used for the sequel. For instance, I’d spin off the *antagonist* or a henchman when the original movie was all about the protagonist. In one case, a film had a secondary character with an interesting job... and my sequel will be the continuing adventures of the secondary character (instead of the hero or the antagonist or anything that happened in the first film). These story ideas can completely stand on their own two feet without the original film. If this producer or the studio isn’t interested, I’ve still got these ideas to sell elsewhere.

Part 3 ended up being writing up all of the ideas, sending a copy to WGA registration, and now I’m waiting on the Producer.... and I’ll bet that all of this work was for nothing. But you never know. Part of being a screenwriter is creating your own work - as in creating your own jobs. There are no "Help Wanted" signs on the studio gates. If you want a job, you have to create your own position. In this case, it’s kind of chumming the waters and hoping that the fish start biting afterwards.

One of the other projects I’m poking around with is my Rewrite Project. This came from that 20 year old script I did the page one on. I have a bunch of old scripts - some that just need rewrites because I’m a better writer now, some have great concepts but poor execution and need page ones, some have great characters in the wrong story, some great stories with the wrong character. So I’ve started a notebook with a bunch of pages for each old script, and started jotting notes on what each script needs and how I might fix it. Some are just a couple of notes, on others my brain just opened up and I came up with some pretty good rewrite ideas. My plan is to come up with as many ideas for each that I have the blue print for the rewrite in the event some producer picks the logline I’ve buried at the bottom of the list...or in case I get some spare time (yeah, right) and I’ll have all of the material for the rewrite ready. So many of these scripts actually have something - I should really fix them and make them presentable.

So, I have made some progress... but that list still goes on forever!

IMPORTANT UPDATES
Yesterday's lunch: Breakfast at DuPar's Studio City - scrambled eggs and ham.
Movies: I was at a video FX expo and skipped 2001 with Doug Trumbell speaking afterwards because I was tired (and had seen 2001 with the cameraman only a couple of months ago). Did see Cronenberg’s THE BROOD on DVD - his dialogue is awful and he seems unable to deal with actors... but the ideas and filmmaking make up for it. A creepy tale of a shrink who can make your inner demons into outer demons... who then go on a killing rampage.
Pages: None yesterday.

- Bill

Swamped!

So, last month - doesn’t seem like that long ago - CE over on the Inside Pitch blog announced he was throwing in the towel. He had a great blog, it really took you inside the walls of a major agency, and he often answered questions and discussed story. But CE said maintaining the blog was one more thing on his already very busy schedule (he’s a newlywed - actually, I think he started the blog around the time he got married). I wanted to beg him to keep the blog going - but I knew exactly why he stopped blogging.

My blog is often the very last thing on my never-ending to do list.

After CE announced he would no longer be adding to his blog, I ran over here and posted something. And then I posted a couple more entries. I want to keep this blog going and make regular entries.

Then a million things hit at the same time. I had to pinch hit on a panel, I went to the Fango Convention, I had to do my 2 day class, I had a bunch of friends in from out of town, a last minute article for a European screenwriting mag, I had a friend’s birthday party, I had 2 script rewrites to do, I had this insane Sequel Project to work on, and I wrote a new tip that ran on Thursday (yesterday - if you missed it, wait until it reruns next year). The Blog? Not even on my radar.

Now, the amusing thing about all of this is that during this time I also posted on a bunch of message boards answering questions. That’s kind of a coffee break thing that I do when I need to get away from the rewrites or class prep stuff. So why can’t this blog be that coffee break thing? Well, writing in the blog is *work* and a responsibility... but answering someone’s question is kind of reactive.

And one of the problems with *this* blog is that the contents seem to be informational in some way - every time I’ve done a "dear diary" entry bitching about something that happened in my life, the response has been "We don’t care, tell us about screenwriting". That means I have some sort of requirement to be on topic...

And I already have a website that is on topic.
I write articles for magazines that are on topic.
I teach a class that is on topic.

I am not UNK ! His blog has some of the best screenwriting articles I read on it.

So, folks, screw you.
Yes, screw you.

Sometimes this blog will be about screenwriting, sometimes it will be about getting stuck in traffic on the 405 when I’m *not* going to a meeting. And sometimes I’m going to grab some answer I gave someone from some other message board and paste it here (copyright issues be damned). And sometimes there may be a big gap between posts (so, what else is new). But I’m hoping that taking away the on topic requirements will help me spend more time posting here... and maybe that will turn into more stuff about screenwriting.

So, be prepared for some freakin’ boring dear diary entries about what I had for lunch.

NEW FORMAT:

Today's lunch: Carrot Cake at Starbucks.

Movies: A Simple Plan on DVD - a film so well made it's almost impossible to watch. I squirm and cringe and cover my eyes and just want to turn it off to escape.

Pages: Finished the Studio Sequel project.

- Bill

Bad Ideas... Part 2 - Send In The Army

My friend Kris and I used to try to come up with the worst movie ideas we could think of. It was a game we played, and a great challenge. Often this game was played while standing in line for the latest Hollywood blockbuster. Anyone can come up with a bad idea, but we were creative people - writers - so the challenge was to come up with the worst movie idea possible. So bad, the idea itself was funny. "Two cops - one who lives by the rules, one who is Knute that cute little polar bear cub..." We'd laugh...

And then scream in terror as the next week there would be a big money spec sale in the trades with that same bad idea. Sometimes, it was just a pitch - they bought the bad idea itself - no clever script to make up for it! It never failed - the worst thing we could come up with would end up selling the next week. And these ideas were just stupid.

After a while we realized that the worst idea we could come up with might sell to someone unable to know good from bad... and Hollywood has many of those people.

Now the game was to come up with the stupid idea and see how long it took for someone to sell that same stupid idea for more money than we were making writing scripts.

Almost 10 years ago I was in charge of Script Magazine's website. I wrote some original articles and built a bookstore and all kinds of other dumb things. This was before Script Secrets - when my website was still hosted by Compuserve Homepages and I had a limited number of pages I could put up - I used to remove some pages so that I could add others. But Script Mag's site was wide open - so I created a book store and posted articles and set up a message board. To get people to go on the message boards I created all kinds of games, including Pitch Me A Winner and Frankenscript. Both of those games ended up being transfered to Script Secrets when I launched the site in 2000.

Pitch Me A Winner was a game about coming up with stupid movie ideas. I'd make up some typical Hollywood scenario - Steven Seagal wants to star in a romantic comedy - and people would do a 3-5 sentence logline kind of thing for the movie. The most absurd synopsis won.

I would always come up with one or two examples to kick things off. Here is an actual example from a decade ago....

***

They always make sequels to "Die Hard", "Terminator" and "Batman" type movies, but when a film like "Forest Gump" breaks all box office records, no one makes a sequel. Your mission should you decide to accept it: Pitch a sure fire $300 million grossing sequel to "Forest Gump" in 75 words or less (including title).

BAD EXAMPLES:

"THE WAGES OF GUMP".
Four desperate men lead by simple minded truck driver Forest Gump accept a dangerous mission transporting trucks filled with unstable explosives across the jungles of South America. We explore their relationships with each other, and with their pasts, as they drive across rotting wood bridges and unpaved roads. "Life is like a box of sweating dynamite," Forest says, "you never know which stick is going to explode."

"ENTER THE GUMP".
Forest Gump infiltrates an international ping pong tournament on the island of evil Dr. Han. There he uncovers Dr. Han's scheme to create an army of ping pong players and take over the world. Now Gump, aided by fellow ping-pongers John Saxon and Jim Kelly, must win the tournament and stop Dr. Han's plans for world domination through table tennis!

***

Now, both are just bad ideas. Silly. Stupid. But one of them has since been made into a film that will be released this summer. And I had nothing to do with it (as far as I know). Who would think of spending millions on a movie that combines ENTER THE DRAGON and table tennis?

Someone in Hollywood.

Does BALLS OF FURY mean there's hope for WAGES OF GUMP?

So, when you come up with those really stupid ideas, don't throw them away....

Think about writing them.

- Bill

PS: This game was cut & pasted from Script's message boards to mine in March of 2001. The time stamp is still on the post on my message boards. Scripts boards have since been replaced, so I can't give you an exact date when it was posted over there.

Bad Ideas... or Blockbuster?

Over on Alligators In A Helicopter, Scott did a post about a vivid dream he had where he had written a script called CHIMP OR CHAMP. No story, just the title. He woke up in a cold sweat screaming.

I thought CHIMP OR CHAMP sounded funny, and posted this pitch... but (unlike me) he posts every danged day and my reply is buried. So I'm ressurecting it here.

CHIMP OR CHAMP

It's about this down and out chimp - he could have been somebody, but he's a chimp. We'll give him a love intrest - Jessica Alba - and a rival... Clint Eastwood. They used to be partners, but when Eastwood became a street boxing sensation, he dumped his hairy friends.

Now, the cool part about Clint is that we can use old footage from those monkey movies as flashbacks - the way they did with Terrance Stamp. Yeah, yeah, the Stamp movie floppoed, but it had a great idea.

Okay, now Oscar De la Hoya or Mayweather (whoever wins tonight) decides to challenge someone from the street - but not just anyone: they want to be assured of the World Champion Title, and because that monkey in Vienna (Haisl) is in court to prove he's a person, the champ is afraid his title may be invalid if he doesn't include primates.

So, our Chimp ends up selected to fight him... and, now wait for it, he has to reconnect with an older Eastwood who now owns a boxing gym and beg for help training.

Eastwood wants him out, but his pal Morgan Freeman secretly trains the chimp. When Clint discovers this, he and Freeman get into a death match fight in a steel cage! Clint wins, killing Freeman, and goes on to train the chimp to become a champion-level boxer.

But can he go 10 rounds with the champ? They go to the big fight on Klan's Island. The chimp takes a beating, but stays on his feet. He doesn't win, but he stays on his feet. And at the end... Jessica Alba comes running into the ring to kiss him and confess that she loves him!

It'll make millions!

- Bill

Never Ending To Do List

I can never get through my to do list... it just keeps growing and growing.

I actually have a To Do List. So many things are going on at the same time that I will lose track and forget something important if I don’t write it down. I wish I could say that I used to remember everything - but my memory was never that good. Okay, it’s good when it comes to completely unimportant trivia, but not good for anything that really matters - like RSVPing or sending in articles to Script or that meeting I had where they wanted me to send them a one pager on some script of mine. I just forget anything important unless it’s written down.

So, I return from Hong Kong and all of the things I would have done over the two weeks hasn’t been done (who would do it?) And there are even some odd additions. While I was gone, some folks ordered some stuff - Blue Books - and I don’t yet have a permanent printing company yet and am close to out of stock on everything... and that means dropping off originals at the printers and waiting for them to get around to it....

Except it wasn’t that easy.

RETURN FROM HONG KONG

So, I get back from a long flight with no sleep and I’m not feeling well. Probably the no sleep and two breakfasts on the planes - I’m not used to eating that many rubbery omelets. I decide to take a nap - because that’s what you do when it’s the middle of the afternoon and you haven’t slept in over 24 hours. You don’t *sleep* - it’s the middle of the day. Sunlight is blasting through the bedroom window. So you nap. Sort of drifting for a couple hours at a time. Somewhere around 9pm I decide to grab a meal and maybe watch a DVD... except I still don’t feel good. I force myself to eat a salad to make up for all of that crappy plane food, and pop in one of my HK DVDs - praying that it will play in my USA DVD player. While in HK I bought a couple of DVDs that weren’t available in the USA, but I was afraid - regions and all - that they might just end up souvenirs. "Yeah, I bought that Johnny To DVD in Hong Kong, can’t play it, but the box art is cool, isn’t it?" Anyway - DVD plays perfectly. Next time I’m in HK I’ll but a couple dozen.

The next morning I wake up feeling ever worse.... then I puke. And puke some more. And puke until part of the heels of my feet get stuck in my throat.

For the next few days I’m sick *and* jet lagged. At first I thought it was food poisoning - but after a couple of days I figured it was a virus. Probably something from being stuck in a plane with a bunch of coughing sneezing people for over a dozen hours. My mom always gives me that Airborn stuff, but I never remember to take it. I must have a dozen unopened boxes in the medicine cabinet.

Nothing at all gets crossed off from the To Do List. And the list actually grows - though nothing gets added while I’m puking. I write the additions when I’m back to normal.

Much of the stuff on the list has to do with my May class in LA - I need to buy ads and "Johnny Appleseed" brochures to places where screenwriters might be found. But while I was in HK I got a mound of e-mails on all sorts of things - from producers interested in screenplays (one contract, two requests for hard copies, one request for a PDF... done from a Starbucks in HK) to a producer who has a tenuous connection to a major studio who wants me to come up with a stack of pitches for DVD sequels to movies from their theatrical library, to rewriting the last two scenes of a page one rewrite on a script that a manager wants to read. Plus there’s the usual article for Script Magazine, the usual tip rewrites and new tips, and rewriting my book and editing 8 CDs worth of classes. Not to mention that script a friend of mine gave me to read over the holidays - I read it and wrote notes in longhand, but you can’t e-mail longhand. Problem is - every time I start to type them up I realize I have no idea what this note means - and I’ll have to re-read the danged script. Many of the things on my to-do list fall into this odd category - stuff that go put off so long I now have to start from scratch. I have a stack of half-written script tips that require me to re-see some awful film in order to complete. I actually have to watch BLACK DAHLIA again for one - don’t hold your breath on that one.

Now, my ability to prioritize sucks. Part of that is not knowing what odd longshot might actually pay off. My career (whatever that is) has been one long shot after another. I never know what is a complete waste of time and what will lead to my next sale.

MY LAPTOP DIES

So, once I’m back on my feet and ready to write I decide to finish the page one rewrite - I’m only two scenes away, right? And that’s the day my laptop becomes a paperweight.

A side effect of that is that the HK blog entries that I’ve written... are trapped on that machine. Eventually I will either get the paperweight turned back into a computer or rewrite those three entries.

But the larger issues are of momentum. Even after I buy this shiny new laptop, I’m bummed out and feel more like goofing off on message boards than anything productive. I rewrite some tips - that is the never-ending job that must be done every single day whether I feel like it or not.

There’s a thread on my message boards called Writers And Depression. I added an upbeat post or two... but when everything seems to just go wrong at the same time, it’s difficult not to wonder why God hates me. Friends of mine have commented that I have the worst luck of anyone they know - bad things happen to me. From out of the blue. I try to just smile through it - and so far I’ve survived. Anyway - I was not feeling like being productive for a while... and part of that might have been residual jet-lag-and-flu.

When I finally felt like working again - and had the new laptop loaded up with all of my programs and projects - I sat down and cranked out the beginning of one of those 2 scenes, then got a phone call from a producer. He’d looked over my list of loglines and really liked this one at the bottom... A script from 1989. I didn’t tell him it was from 1989, and I didn’t tell him that it was written on some ancient computer that I no longer owned - so all I had was a hard copy. And I didn’t tell him that hard copy sucked - you know, it’s like 20 years old! I’ve actually learned something in the past 20 years. So I tell him I’ll get the script to him in a couple of days... and shift gears. I had scanned in the script a year ago and actually done some of the rewrite already - so it wouldn’t take me too long to finish it...

Except it’s on the paperweight.

I have to rescan it. I have to correct all of the weird things that happen when you scan a script (suddenly, there are characters named IN THE CLOSET - now, that’s kind of on the nose as a character’s name, and what’s more, his dialogue seems to be a description of what happens in the closet in one scene). Once I’ve done all that - I still have to do the rewrite I was going to do before. Part of the rewrite is a change in location - the logline the producer read takes place in a completely different location than the 20 year old version of the script. The rewrite on the paperweight actually addressed this - but it’s on the paperweight. So I’ve been focused on that rewrite... and nothing else on the To Do List has been To Done.

And the most I’ve done on the DVD sequel project is to make a list of "sequel possible" movies in this particular studio’s library. It’s a good list. I’m afraid if I wait too long one of the 53 other screenwriters this producer called will come up with a bunch of lame ideas... and those are the ones they will go with.

I’m getting close to getting all of the day-today stuff back on schedule (they’re printing blue books, now all I have to do is fold and staple and mail them) and I’m half done with the Script Magazine article that was due a couple of days ago. I still have new script tips to write up, but I think I’ll find the time to squeeze that in.

But the worst part about my To Do List? Well, I met 3 producers in HK (from here) who want to read scripts... and I haven’t gotten back to them. I don’t want them to forget me!

Hmm, I can cross off "New Blog Entry"! The list is one item shorter now!

So now I’m doing well, but busy as hell.

- Bill

Update

All is well...
I'm busy as hell.

- Bill

We Interrupt This Story....

Yesterday my laptop crashed.

It's 3 years old, and has been acting up a little - trouble booting up, takes a couple of starts before it goes all the way some days.

Before I went to Hong Kong I did a (hopefully) complete back up of files just in case. Yesterday, I get to Starbucks, do some brain work to prepare myself to write the scene... really get into it to the point that ideas are bouncing around my head like popcorn in Jiffy Pop foil. Pull out the laptop and...

It starts up right away. No problems today!

Then... it freezes up about 5 minutes into my work. Maybe 10 minutes. Enough time to really get going.

So, I try a litte of everything, and nothing works. Can't even shut it down. It's frozen. I de-power it, try to start it again... and get a message: it ain't gonna start again. I can't even start it up in Safe Mode. Won't work.

Now, I could take it to a repair place and wait... but I have scenes to write and a tip to put up. Plus, last time I took this very laptop in for a repair, they wiped the hard drive - and I lost everyrthing. This was to repair a broken plastic hinge. Oh, and I didn't have the laptop for about 6 months because the repair place also lost it. That was a nightmare.

Now, here's the thing: Sunday I was actually going to by a new laptop... but they were all out of the HP I was looking at. Everyone was. I spent the whole ay looking for a laptop and came home with nothing. Not a big deal, because there was no rush to buy one - I could wait until they had the one I wanted in stock (Maybe Thursday according to the guy at Best Buy).

Now I couldn't wait that long. I needed one *today*.

So I closed up the dead laptop and zoomed all over town until I found, not what I was looking for... but the closest thing to it. You know, probably just like you - my computer is my whole life. Everything important I have is on it. I spend more time with my computer than I spend with my friends and family. I can't live without it.

Now, I have a desk top that still runs Win98 and I hardly ever use. It's, like, 2 gigs total. Bought ot when that was an amazing amount of space. Since then, I've just been buying new laptops and hardly ever working on the desktop. The final death knell for the desktop was when I pulled the plug on Compuserve and now have no dial up or DSL... I'm all wifi, baby! The desktop has all kinds of expensive to replace programs that may not make it to XP... so they just sit on that machine. I *could* have used the desktop to work on the script - but who wants to be trapped at home on warm, beautiful LA days?

Anyway, the new laptop has Vista, and when I slap in my MMScreenplay disk and load it... it doesn't run. I get a message on the new computer that the progam needs to be "elevated". So, I hold up the laptop a bit above table level and try again... still doesn't work. How elevated does this need to be? Should I get in an elevator? So I ended last night by putting up a scipt tip... but afraid that I wouldn't be able to work on my script even after spending a thousand or so on a new laptop. Swell!

Okay - this morning I go to the MMS website where they have a link to "what to do if you have Vista"... and the danged thing works perfect now. Relieved - I can sleep... didn't do enough of that last night. But it's 9am, so instead I'm going to get some work done.

I can't wait to see what other programs don't work on Vista... haven't tried to install my printer drivers, yet.

- Bill

Spicey Cow Cartilages

After the 2 free preview classes...

Richard finds a street-front noodle shop on he way back to the car-park. It’s a shotgun place - like a hallway with tables on one side. We squeeze past everyone’s table (hmm, that looks good, I wonder what it is?) on the way to ours. Menus are on the table under a sheet of plastic - they are the table top. And they’re in Chinese.

Now, this isn’t bad thing to me. I like adventure. Richard has them get me a menu in English and ruins the fun of food roulette - a game I call "Point & Pray" where you point to some Chinese writing and pray you can eat the dish without gagging when they bring it.. I decide to order "glass noodle with pork dumpling" - how can you go wrong with that? Richard orders in Chinese. The coffee is kicking in and I’m a little jittery – I order Sprite with fruit slices. That’s what’s on the menu. If you want just plain Sprite, good luck. Comes with fruit slices.

They bring the drinks - waitress squeezing between the tables and the walls - and then she goes back for the noodles. The other people are mostly young, and they look like they may have been out clubbing. The waitresses are about the same age, but instead of wearing dresses and flaring skirts, they’re in bright orange uniforms. If someone is coming from the back of the restaurant, they have to wait until they leave before they can come down with the food - there just isn’t enough room for 2 people.

The glass noodles aren’t really made of glass, but they are wide and transparent - like really long window panes. There are leafy greens and a half dozen pork dumplings in the soup, too. Looks good. The pork dumplings are tasty.

Richard has some kind of soup with traditional noodles... and the waitress comes back with a plate of spring rolls and something really weird looking. The rolls are delicious - filled with something savory, and I ask Richard what’s on the plate.

"Spicy Cow Cartilages."

Doesn’t that just make your mouth water?

Now, just because something is *called* spicy cow cartilages doesn’t mean that it is actually made form cow cartilages. Could be anything. Looks weird, though. Slices of gelatin with something stringy in it in a red pepper sauce garnished with scallions.

"What is it made with?"

"Cow cartilages. They cook them until they are very soft and pleasant to eat. Try one."

I grab one with my chopsticks... or *try* to grab one - they’re kind of slimy. I eventually get one using the chopstick s a spear. I bring it up to my mouth and... well, it’s kind of rubbery. And spicy. And... well who thought of eating cow cartilidges in the first place? That doesn’t just spring to mind. Hey, those cartilages might not be so gristly is we slow cooked them! And I’ll bet they taste kind of slimy!

I accidentally dropped my second spicy cow cartilage into my noodles and watched it slowly dissolve as I ate around it. Soon, only the stringy part was left. I ate all of my dumplings, all of the veggies and over half of the glass noodles... and that was enough. I actually ate another piece of spicy cow cartilage just to show how tough I was (tougher than the cartilage) and a couple of the savory rolls.

We squeezed out of the restaurant, found the car (my laptop had not been stolen) and drove back to Richard’s mother’s. I was both exhausted and jittery from the coffee - and could not sleep. I just know I’m going to be a mess by this weekend - I’ll either have a cold or just be zonked from lack of sleep. I slept fitfully all night long.

- Bill

Free Preview Class - Standing Room Only!

Hong Kong has to be the most densely packed city on earth. Wall-to-wall sky scrapers with only inches in between. Streets so clogged with pedestrians that there is often a second layer of sidewalk - elevated. This is a city overflowing with people.

I wake up on Wednesday morning... and Richard is already gone. No instructions, no communication. I’m doing my 2 preview classes tonight, and that means I need to bring all of my (heavy) class materials. Plus, maybe my audio CDs for sale. Oh, and I’ll need my laptop if I’m going to check email and post these blog entries. Originally I was going to post "real time" but after finishing an entire blog entry... I lost my connection and lost all of that work. So I’m a bit behind.

Anyway, I decide to skip the CDs and just bring all of my heavy class material and my laptop - that’s two shoulder bags. Though I might have just pulled the portion of the class I plan to use for the preview, having that massive binder bursting at the seems with material is something that helps sell the class. You can see how much information is there for the weekend class. A massive amount.

Now, I’ve been in Hong Kong for 2 days, but I’m still groggy and jet lagged. My first stop after I get off the shuttle bus is a local Starbucks (Alexandra House) where they play the exact same music they play in the Starbucks in Studio City. It costs me $32 for my coffee, and I drink it and scan emails and message boards. I have an ad on Craigslist LA for my class in May that will run out some day while I’m here - and I check to see if today is that day. Nope.

I’m coughing a little bit - and I’m worried that I caught a cold due to lack of sleep. I don’t want to be sick for the 2 day class. After leaving Starbucks I buy a pack of cough drops at a Boots on my way to catch a taxi for the Convention Center.

My job today is to hang out and talk to people at the booth - get them to come to the free class. There are not many people, so I end up talking to the people in the other booths. Richard’s job is to hand out this huge stack of flyers about the free classes - and I can’t imagine him giving them all out in one day. And the flyers aren’t a half page - they are *multiple pages* who wants to carry that around for the rest of the day?

LAST YEAR....

I was originally supposed to come in March, during the Film Festival and Market, but my visa hadn’t been approved in time, so I came in May. The idea of tying my class in to the Festival or Market was a great one - the reason why the class works so well during the Raindance Festival is that you have all of those people who love movies already there. When I was at the VSDA last year I talked to the person in charge of their seminars and panels about doing screenwriting classes this year as part of the event. They were excited by that idea. If you are putting on a festival any time someone can offer you a class or panel that you don’t have to organize yourself is a great thing. It’s something for nothing. So I’m glad this year my visa was approved in time so that my class could be part of FilMart...

Except it’s not.

When Richard returns at the end of the day without any of the flyers (fantastic!) I find out that the 2 free previews are not in any of the rooms at the massive convention center - it’s at some building we have to drive to. Richard thinks the 6pm class will be filled, because people will want to head out to dinner after that. That makes sense - but what if they want to head out to dinner at 6pm?

The event being away from the convention center means that people have to leave no matter what - and if they are going to go, why not go to dinner?

Hmm, maybe we should have done it in a bar?

FREE SCREENWRITING!

So Richard and I go to his car... and once again he walks behind me. I have no idea where his car might be, so I *can’t* lead. Maybe he is behind me because I am walking too fast - I’m tall and have long legs. Maybe he is having trouble keeping up? I try slowing down... and he slows down. I try walking behind him, and *he* moves behind me. I had no idea my ass was that attractive! It’s crazy - but I somehow manage to lead us to his car, mostly by looking over my shoulder every few steps to see if he’s still there.

We get into his car and he asks if I would like dinner. That seems like an easy question, but I am exhausted and wonder if eating will put me to sleep. Last time I only had to do *one* free preview, this year I’m doing two - back-to-back. Can I stay awake? "Sure, but something light" is my answer. Seems there’s a café in the same building as the meeting room. He drives to a busy downtown area and parks in a garage... then we walk a couple of blocks to the venue. I’m dragging my shoulder bag - the laptop stays in the car. Will it get ripped off? I don’t know, but I’m not going to lug it anymore today.

The café is this multi-cultural cuisine place run by a woman who looks Indian. She brings a menu and I order a cup of iced coffee and a plate of open faced sandwiches. The coffee *comes with* sugar and cream already added - yes, this was a British Colony a decade ago. The sandwiches - are great! Garlic french bread, one with tuna salad, one with ham and cheese, one with smoked salmon. The garlic bread sold it. Delicious.

It also made me wonder if I had junk in my teeth. Last way to sell people on a class is to have food hanging from your teeth during the free preview.

I got another iced coffee to go and we went to the venue. No signs telling you this was the place, and a creepy elevator that takes you to whatever nosebleed floor it was on. No signs in the narrow hallway pointing to the correct door - and we went to the wrong door to begin with. The room itself was great - some sort of class room. All of the stuff you need to show film clips except a TV. I had brought my clips, just in case.

We wait - Richard at the door to keep people in the hallway from getting lost.

Kristy, Richard’s assistant, has a big stack of sign ups for the 2 day class - ready for the people who love the free preview and want to spend a few thousand HK dollars for the 2 day class.
6pm comes... and goes.

No students come.

Maybe it’s just traffic from the Convention Center.

Millions of people crammed on this little island... and we’re in an empty room.

By 6:30 Kristy gives up and decides to go shopping for an hour - we have her cell number in case someone shows up.

I walk up and down the creepy narrow hallway to stay awake.

At 7:30 we hear someone getting off the elevator! Kristy returning from shopping. She bought shampoo. Somehow, that’s seems like a bigger let down to me than no one showing up. Just shampoo?

A few minutes later we hear the elevator... as it moves past this floor heading elsewhere.
Richard’s phone rings. It’s a novelist who has taken courses at the Academy who is coming for the 8pm free preview - but she’s lost. Seems the street the venue is on is broken in the middle and has a North and South version that don’t meet - but have duplicate street numbers. 1107 South Broadway and 1107 North Broadway (only this street isn’t Broadway). I wonder how many people got lost on the way to the 6pm class? Probably nobody.

We end up with 4 people at 8:15, and 3 of them can’t come to the weekend class - other plans. I chug the rest of my iced coffee and give on hell of a free class to the 4 people in the room set up for 30. Somewhere out on the street there are 26 people smashed together on a crowded sidewalk who could be sitting in those chairs.

By the end, the three wish they didn’t already have plans, and the 4th guy is writing a check. I’m exhausted. Richard wants to know if I’m hungry...

- Bill

Asian Oscars - Translators Take Your Positions!

The golden invitation says "Black Tie".

I’m not even wearing a black shirt.... and that’s unusual when I’m traveling. Black shirts don’t show the wrinkles as easily, and everything ends up wrinkled after you unpack it. So I pack a bunch of black dress shirts. Basically, I only have black dress shirts, blue dress shirts, and blue stripped dress shirts. Being a heterosexual male, I want to avoid ever thinking about fashion - I want to just reach into my closet and pull out shirt. After it is used, the shirt will end up where used shirts belong - on the floor along with my socks. I am not a domesticated animal.

I am also not dressed for the Asian version of the Oscars. I have on one of a bunch of identical bright blue stripped shirts that I own and a recently purchased pair of Levis.

Richard (also not in black tie) and I take an endless number of escalators down to the ground level of the Convention Center and cross to the main lobby... where there is a full red carpet and every media camera in Asia. Plus a million fans with *neon* signs. I have no idea what the signs say - they are in Chinese. The problem is, the red carpet is blocking our path - we need to get to the escalators on the other side. Now, this isn’t just me and Richard who have to get to the other side of the red carpet, it’s *hundred* of people. These guys in front of us (also not in black tie - but at least they are in suits) are herded out a door to the street and we follow. All hundred or so of us. Including the multi-tattooed girl from Brain Damage Films (not in black tie - but nobody seems to care, she’s hot). On the street we have to walk around the limos pulling up with stars and the crush of screaming fans - it really is like Oscar night - to the other side of the building.

The two guys in front of us somehow get on the red carpet by mistake, and flashbulbs are popping and reporters are asking who they are wearing... and who they are. The two guys smile, wave, and keep walking down the carpet. They are like deer in the headlights. Confused, trying to find a way off the red carpet and away from the reporters and fans... while pretending like they belong.

Richard and I make it the other side of the building - the other side of the crush of screaming fans - and enter the lobby...

In time to see some security guards escort the two guys *off* the red carpet and back to the place that normal people are supposed to be. They seem relieved, and are now at the back of the hundred or so of us... as we go up every escalator we just went down (except in another wing of the Convention Center). After going up a series of escalators in this wing, we hear screaming from the crowd below: "Andy! Andy!" Andy Lau has arrived. From up here, he looks like an ant. I think about THE THIRD MAN for some reason.

They check our golden invitations at the door, make no comment about our clothes, and allow us in to the cocktail party. Waiters and waitresses circulate with trays of drinks - hard to tell what they are. I spot something that looks like a glass of beer and grab it. I hit the food section where they have spinach pastries and crab tarts and spring rolls. I’ve only had a sandwich, so I stock up. But the plates are small, and when I stand in line a second time I get the pleasure of walking past empty food warmers. Richard sees some people he knows - and a few of them even know him. I look at hot Asian women - many in sliced up evening gowns.

Suddenly, I hear xylophone music. Coming from every corner of the room!

Ends up being the "two minute warning" - waiters with xylophones wandering around the room. They want us to pull out our golden invitations and take our seats. Richard splits - I was going to go, too... but when will I ever get to attend an Oscar-like ceremony again?

At the door to the huge theater, they look at my invitation... and there is a blue dot in the corner. They tell me to sit in a blue chair. I’d never noticed the blue dot before. The guys in suits have a green dot and are sent to green chairs - closer to where the movie stars are going to sit (in gold chairs). I wonder if they put the dots on when they checked our invitations at the cocktail party - putting those of us who aren’t black tie closer to the sides or back where they are less likely to show up on camera. The event is going to be televised *tonight* - with a couple hours delay.

I find my blue seat, near the front but off top the side, and settle in. There are bleachers set up at the very back of the house, filled with all of those fans who were lining the red carpet. There are *hundreds* of people here - maybe even a thousand.

Two hosts come out and explain about the awards show... one in English and the other in Chinese. They say the event will begin with a speech from a government arts official... in English and then in Chinese. A middle aged fellow who looks very important steps up to the podium and begins speaking on the importance of the event in English... and it’s translated in Chinese. After maybe ten minutes I realize this *isn’t* the government arts official - this is the guy who *introduces* the government arts official. A second important looking middle aged guy steps up to the podium, thanks the first one for the great introduction, then explains why *he* thinks this is an important event... for half an hour! He talks about how Hong Kong "fillums" have touched the world, like "Internal Affairs" (um, dude, that’s *Infernal*). We get half an hour of this.

When he is finished, they have him press a button to kick off the evening... setting off some fireworks. After the fireworks (indoors - I’m memorizing the nearest emergency exit) the two hosts say this event could not have happened without these dozen government officials, so let’s get them all on stage! In English, and then in Chinese.

The two hosts seem like they are having a conversation - except one speaks in English and the other answers in Chinese.

The two hosts seem like they are having a conversation - except one speaks in English and the other answers in Chinese.

So the dozen officials get up on stage and form a line of middle aged government arts officials - maybe they’ll be scrimmaging against a dozen fans? Anyway, half of them are named "Wong" and one seems to own an equipment house in Hong Kong. They all get to say something, we applaud, then four of the dozen are lead to a globe that they all touch at the same time - starting off even more fireworks. My nearest exit is a hundred yards away. Now I’m thinking about TOWERING INFERNO... meets the Oscars!

We survive, and the *real* host comes out - hot Chinese star Karen Mok (SO CLOSE) who is dressed as a folksinger - the same outfit Joan Baez used to wear. She announces the first of ten awards - Best Composer. The ward will be given out by Maggie Q and some pop singer named "Rain"... and as soon as she mentions his name, the bleachers erupt in loud cheering. "Rain! Rain! Rain!" When Rain comes out, it gets worse! No one can speak for maybe 5 minutes. Then, when they announce the nominees (in English) we get a Chinese translation. The event will take twice as long as the Oscars, because we get everything twice - once in English, once in Chinese.

The winner is from the film OPERA JAVA, and we get a great preview of the rest of the night... because these are the *Asian* Film Awards, and that’s a whole lotta countries and a whole lotta different languages. The host can’t even pronounce the winner’s name, and once he comes up to accept his award, his speech needs to be translated and translated and translated. I admire the translators - they have to know every language in the region. But we get the same speech again and again - and I barely understood it the first time.

After this award, we have a new host - movie star Danny Wu. This guy is slick - like a car salesman. He goes the lounge-lizard MC thing for the rest of the night. Because he speaks English, everything he says has to be translated. Everything anyone says is translated. This makes the show run very long...

Also, the way they have set up the stage makes the show run long. The presenters enter from stage right, climb down a sweeping flight of stairs, and speak from the podium on the left side of the massive stage. We get to hear more "walking music" than multiple translations. After the first few awards (Editing: And A Century, Production Design: The Banquet, Special Effects: The Host) hours have passed and the two guys in suits who walked the red carpet walk out of the doors. The guy sitting next to me is snoring loudly. Imagine how the stars feel (Rain!) Having to sit in the golden seats on camera all night?

I’m hungry. I know when a film isn’t working because I’m thinking about food - and I’ve been thinking bout food since that first middle aged government official took the stage.

They give a special award to Andy Lau... and the bleachers go wild.

We get to hear the acceptance speech in at least two languages.

The next award is Best Screenplay, so I stick around through the host banter... Danny Wu has been joined by some hot young actress and they do that forced scripted banter indigenous to awards shows. I’ve been here almost 3 hours... and I want food.

They announce the winner of Best Screenplay, then Danny Wu says the winner isn’t here tonight, so he will accept the award for him and.. "Hey! I’m here!" The writer of MEN AT WORK is trying to make his way from his seat to the podium. It takes a minute or two to change course, start up that "walking music" and prepare to give the guy the award. Just like Hollywood - they do anything to keep the screenwriter out of the spotlight! The bleachers are silent for a change, as the writer gives his speech, and then it is translated a few times.

Best Cinematography - The Host. From Korea. So we get the speech in Korean, then an English translation, then a Chinese translation. 3 minutes of thank-yous last over 10 minutes!

Even when the speeches were in English they sometimes needed a translator - Andrew Lau (director) has a heavy accent.

After this, there’s a legendary female singer who does medley of songs from famous movies that seems to last forever, and they give a Lifetime Achievement Award to an actress who began as a child star. It’s during the endless clips of her films that I decide to sneak to the doors. I escape the awards show - hearing multiple translations behind me - and starts down the endless escalators to freedom.

I find a place to grab some food, then take a taxi back to Richard’s mother’s house on the other side of Hong Kong...

Where she is watching the Awards show on TV! It’s still going on!

Well, actually it is tape delayed. They are right at the point where the fumbled with the screenwriter... except the fumble is trimmed down for TV. And the endless songs are trimmed to one song before the commercial and one song after. I had been there for 3 hours, and the TV version is, like, an hour and a half including commercials! Maybe the Oscars *shouldn’t* be live? Maybe they should edit the crap out of it?

Anyway, I get to see the last half of the awards show - and THE HOST sweeped. Best Picture, Best Actor, etc. The cool thing about being there was having Michelle Yeoh right there on stage being translated into Chinese, and both of the Andy Laus (actor and director). I’m probably never going to get to the Oscars, so this was my big awards show... and I love HK movies. I watch the rest of the awards in the edited and quick version (but still translated again and again).

The camera shows the movie star section - gold seats - and you can see a bunch of empty seats! Heck, even the movie stars got bored and went home!

Hey, even RAIN! gets hungry.

- Bill

Hong Kong FilMart - AFM, Only Shorter

The Honk Kong version of AFM begins Tuesday, and I have a badge waiting for me. What I don’t know is where the event is being held. I haven’t talked to Richard all day on Monday, and he’s my ride. I also need to get him the class workbook original so that he can make copies - ASAP. So, even though I am exhausted, I wait up Monday night for him to return. I end up so sleepy I just pack it in at around midnight, and set the alarm for 8am. I’m still jet lagged and haven’t had anything resembling 8 hours sleep in days. I also don’t get 8 hours sleep that night - I sleep in 2 hour segments, then wake up and can’t get back to sleep - my body *knows* it’s the middle of the afternoon in Los Angeles.

Eventually the alarm goes off and I get up. I can hear Richard talking to one of the servants in the main section of the house, so I quickly shower and shave and dress and... by the time I’m ready to go Richard is already gone.

Swell.

I could take the shuttle bus downtown and catch a taxi.. But where to? I have all the event information on my email - but it’s not on my laptop. That means I would have to take my laptop downtown, log in at Starbucks or Pacific Coffee, ead my email and get the address, then lug around the laptop for the rest of the day. Because I have no idea what the venue is like, I don’t know how difficult this will be. If it’s endless stair climbing like AFM, I don’t want to be stuck with the laptop.

Yes, I should have written all of this stuff down in LA, but I knew I would be staying at Richard’s mother’s condo again, and he would be my guide/ride.

So I put in a call to Richard and wait for him to return it. Even though it is early now, the shuttle bus doesn’t run from noon until 2pm (lunch break) and if Richard takes his time returning the call I might not be able to leave here until 2pm - wasting half the day.

Richard calls about an hour later - it’s at the Convention Center. Well, that makes sense. Maybe I should have just taken a cab there in the first place?

I get on the shuttle, get off downtown and grab Starbucks to go, then flag one of the millions of bright red Toyota 5 door taxis on the street. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me, but the *base charge* is $15 HK. The Convention Center is cross town, but I could probably walk it. The taxi driver zooms through traffic like manic (hell, he’s taxi driver) and we end up at the Convention Center... with $18 HK on the meter. I give him a $20 and a $2 coin... anything under $20 is a coin over here, and my pockets are filled with coins I forget to use.

Then I get lost in the convention center. It’s huge. Los Angeles Convention Center has 2 halls, this one has 7 halls just in one of the 3 wings. I have to figure out which of the 7 I need to go to. I actually follow signs and do okay - waiting in a very long line for my badge then another long line for my bag-o-crap. They give out "goodie bags" at these events, but there are never any goodies in them! This bag contains ton of brochures for products - commercials! I find the hall entrance, where they scan my badge and allow me to enter.

CONVENTION FLOOR

Though the convention center is huge, the FilMart is small. Just one hall - and it is split into FilMart (selling films), Location Expo (showing you places to shoot your films) and an Equipment Expo (like the old Showbiz Expo - all kinds of cameras and grip equipment and those cool RC camera helicopters). All in one hall. Unlike AFM where it is 8 floors of hotel suites, here we have your standard dinky booths. 2 chairs and a table. The first 4 rows are film sales, the rest is the other stuff. I find the Hong Kong Film Academy booth - which has 2 huge posters for my class and a stack of handouts for the Wednesday night "preview" - which is now "previews" - one session at 6pm and one at 8pm. I hope I’ve caught up on my sleep by then... tomorrow. Richard and his staff are there handing out flyers and brochures.

Next to the HKFA is my friend David from AFM selling his films. Next to his booth is a new company, and I know one of the three owners from IFP. We can almost shake hands without my leaving Richard’s booth - it’s that small. A handful of other AFM companies are there - and many are not. This event is *small*. I walk it in less than an hour - including locations and equipment.

There are ctually several events going on all at the same time at the Convention Center: FilMart, a Music convention one floor down, a TV convention one floor down from that, an arts funding event on another floor and the HK Film Fest has some seminars and screenings in another wing. Basically, everything entertainment is set up for the same week - this is a great idea. It also means that pop stars and bankers are on the escalator in front of you. Lots of different types of people.

I spend the rest of the day talking to David and Richard and Richard’s people and the IFP guy. I also talk to the salesmen from Shoreline about Blood Predator and Slaughterhouse. There is a convention center café where I guy a Coca-Cola for $12... HK. It probably would have cost $12 US at the LA Convention Center. Richard says that he will wander the convention center giving out flyers about the free premieres himself... but when he returns an hour later he has about the same number of flyers as when he left. I mention this to him and he tells me he is only giving them to people who look bored. Though, that sounds like everyone to me, I guess some people are less bored than others. I ask how many people are signed up for the class and the only answer I get is "More than last time" - well, I guess that’s good.

As the day winds down, David asks me if I would like to go to the Asian Film Awards tonight. He has two gold invitations, but isn’t going to be able to use them. Sure. There’s a reception with drinks and fingerfoods first - hey, I’m there! Richard takes the other invitation but tells me he’ll have to leave early. When they close the expo floor, we grab the invitations and head to the big theater downstairs. I had no idea how much trouble I was in for...

- Bill

They Found My Phone...

In the rectum of a Malaysian monkey along with 2 kilos of uncut heroin... Ouch! Somone was trying to smuggle the monkey into Hong Kong dressed as a toddler and security noticed...

Actually, it was found on the plane, taken to lost & found, where I could have picked it up... except lost & found is is the secure area of the airport, so I'd need a boarding pass to get it, unless I wanted to wait 45 minutes for someone to come out with it. I decided to try Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits in Hong Kong. Chicken - okay, Biscuits - not so good.

Phone - back. Doesn't work over here, except as a camera.

- Bill

Twice Live Only You, Mr. Bond!

Okay, I'm in Hong Kong, sitting in a Starbucks. Jet Lagged - as if Jet Li beat on me for a few days.

Over an hour to get to LAX.
4 hours of waiting at LAX.
10.5 hours flight to Tokyo.
4 hours waiting in Tokyo for my connecting flight.
5.5 hours floght to Hong Kong.
1 hour to go through customs and pick up luggage and have a bunch of Chinese military police look at my visa & passport a few times. Some had machine guns.

Add it up, my friends! I slept about 4 hours before I left and about 8 hours last night and I feel like crap.

Oh, and I lost my cell phone. I had it out to make a call at LAX, then had to put it in my laptop bag (carry on) in Tokyo when I went through security again. Now, I think I remember having it in my pocket after that... and I think I remember taking out of my pocket when we landed in HK... but I was so tired, I may just be imagining that.

My flight from Tokyo was a minor nightmare - I'm tall, and the *ssh*le in front of me reclined his seat until it crushed my kneecaps. So I moved to the empty seat next to me... and *he* moved to the empty seat in front of that one and reclined it all the way back - spilling my coke into my dinner. I attempted to say "excuse me, would you mind..." but he completely ignored me. I almost stuck my plastic fork into his little bald head, but then I'd be writting this from a Hong Kong jail. I suffered for about 4 hours of the flight... and maybe I lost my cell phone while trying to fit between the reclined seat and my seat. I don't know. I'm going to the airport to check the lost & found and talk to the airline to see if they found it.

Kind of the cool thing: I'm on my own today. FilMart starts tomorrow, and today I'd planned on just sleeping. But the lost phone was a good excuse to go out exploring.

Once again, I'm staying at Richard (HK Film Acad) 's mother's huge condo. She gave me a book of tickets for the condo's private bus and the schedule. She also have me a card with the condo's address in case I need to take a taxi, and a disposable cell phone with some minutes still on it. So I'm just wandering around HK - I'm here in an HK Starbucks checking my email and writing this, then on to the train that goes to the airport (I just have to follow the signs - plus I know what the building near the station looks like) then I probably find out my cell phone is gone forever, and come back to HK Central District and wander around. Maybe find an HK movie. Find a place to eat. Get lost and use the skyline as landmarks to find my way back. Explore.

I love exploring. I love seeing things you wouldn't see on a tour.

I paid almost $40 (HK) for a Venti Iced Coffee... and it's Grande sized. I paid $150 (HK) for a month of wifi here - I think that's around $20.

(500 yen = $4.50... not a million bucks.)

Okay, time to go to the airport and find out that I need to buy a new cell phone when I get home.

- Bill

PS: The title of this entry refers to traveling from Tokyo to HK, in the Bond film YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE, Bond starts out (precredits) in HK, is assassinated, buried at sea... and then ends up in Tokyo for the rest of the adventure. I did the reverse.

Welcome To Japan!

I just spent 500 yen to go online at the Tokyo airport, where I have a 4 hour layover on my way to Hong Kong. My question - is 500 yen like 500 dollars? If so, this is the most expensive blog entry you will ever read!

So, as usual, Friday I'm hustling to get packed and get all of my class materials rounded up. I also had to write an article for MovieScope Magazine in Europe - this issue will be given away to everyone at Cannes. No pressure, right? I finished it Friday night before trying to go to sleep... and not being able to until 3am. (usual for me) Problem is, my flight left at noon, and you're supposed to get there 4 hours early, and LAX is a ways away. I get to LAX and it's *jammed* - huge lines at the United counters. Huge lines. I wait in line for an hour and a half at Terminal 7(left) (United International) only to be told they've changed everything - and 7(left) is now paper tickets going anywhere and 7(right) is electronic tickets... I'd have to go to the never ending line in T7(right) and start all over. This sucks. I'm one of a *bunch* of people who *read the signs* that said Domestic at 7right and International at Tleft... oh, they were supposed to change those. Sweet!

So, I wait another hour - the line barely moving - and I'm starting to worry that I may not make my flight. They stop taking luggage 45 minutes before the flight - and I'm gone for two weeks and have luggage to check in... and this line just isn't moving. Then an employee asks if anyone in the line is United Premier.... Um, I am. Well, they can check me in at Terminal 6, if I want to drag all my luggage down there. I *race* down there - hoping there is no line... and there isn't! I check in, go through that hell known as security, and get to the gates about a half hour before boarding. I had planned on making a phone call, but was afraid I didn't have enough time.

Anyway - I get on the plane, maybe 4 hours sleep, tops, and don't sleep all the way to Tokyo. My eyes are bright red. I'm here for almost 4 hours, then off to Hong Kong to teach a class and attend the HK FilMart (AFM in Chinese). Depending on internet access and time, I'll try to keep you informed of my adventures.

- Bill

Screenings For Screenwriters?

Because I had two films released on DVD on the same day, my friend Tina arranged a screening of the movies at Lola’s Martini Bar in Hollywood - a great place. The management did an amazing job - setting us up with a private room with big screen TV, DVD player and surround sound speakers. And we had a pretty good crowd - maybe 50 people. Though none of the Thursday night crowd showed, we had folks who flew in from the UK and Texas! We all got drunk and watched the two new movies...

But they aren’t really *my* movies. My name is on both of them. They both began with my screenplays. But what ended up on screen bears no resemblance to the screenplays I wrote. Oddly enough, the one that I was a co-producer on is probably less like my script than the other one - they even changed the *concept* on that one.

I like the idea of celebrating the accomplishment of having two movies made. I always recommend celebrating your accomplishments, because we are in a business where writers don’t get enough respect, don’t get enough praise, and usually don’t even get noticed. I advise celebrating every time you finish a screenplay - that’s a big accomplishment! Reward yourself! In fact, I recommend giving yourself some small reward for finishing your pages for the day - treat yourself to a desert, or movie, or *something* - writing is not easy, and no one is going to pat you on the head, tell you did a great job, and give you a doggie treat. You have to give yourself the doggie treat.

Years ago, before moving to Los Angeles, I had a hot new script called RECALL about the auto industry - and my then-agent (the worst agent in the world) loved it and was going to send it out to a bunch of big producers. So I decided to throw a party to celebrate, and made up a stack of copies of the script and sent them to everyone I knew along with an invitation. The booze and food was on me. I have to confess, I was hoping that all of my friends would show up and tell me how much they liked the script - how they laughed at the funny parts and were excited by the action scenes and found the suspense portions real page turners. People began showing up at my house, booze was flowing, everyone was having a great time... except me. Not a single person had even read the first page of the script. Maybe I was expecting too much of my friends? They were a mix of folks who wanted to break into the film biz and civilians. But I had hoped that at least the film biz folks might have taken a look at what I was so proud of.

Well, my awful agent couldn’t get anything going with the script... maybe it was the script, maybe it was his lack of letterhead and crappy manual typewritten cover letter.

I had a much better party when I sold my script to Paramount... but that was basically a going away party. It had nothing to do with my writing. The writing was the reason why I was going away, but nobody was saying "Congratulations on your writing!" they were saying "We’re gonna miss you!" Maybe I shouldn’t be picky about stuff like that. These folks came to the now-defunct Velvet Turtle Restaurant in Pleasant Hill to show me love. That’s cool.

And everyone who showed up Sunday night was there to show me love - and that’s fantastic.

But how do we celebrate the *screenplay* when the film is so much different?

In this case, both films completely suck. How can I subject my friends to crap like this? How can watching these wretched films be celebrating the much better scripts they came from?

One of the reviews of CROOKED says the films problems stem from a bland script from William C. Martell... except the movie doesn’t resemble my script at all. They stripped away all of the cool stuff. I sent the reviewer a link to the script... but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t read it, and the review still blames me for dialogue I didn’t write. Welcome to Hollywood! I remember watching an episode of Siskel & Ebert where Roger praised an actor for a specific action in a film, and having read the screenplay, I knew that the *writer* had come up with that amazing bit. Because I had Roger’s e-mail (and was a regular contributor to his Film Answer Man column) I sent him an e-mail about this... and nothing happened. Roger is a great guy, but his paper isn’t going to print a retraction about a bit of business in a film... and Buena Vista isn’t going to let him talk about some past film review flub on the TV show. Plus - who really cares? Film Critics don’t have the time to read the scripts for every film they review, let alone all of those versions of the script that came before. If there is a problem with the story or the dialogue, they blame the name listed on the screen as the writer. As writers, we have to sort it out for ourselves. That means we don’t take any of that stuff personally - hey, it might have been the dozen uncredited rewriters or the awful notes from the director we had to implement or some other reason. We have to just be happy knowing that we did a good job - even if the resulting film completely sucks.

One of the things that helps me deal with having my work screwed up on screen is that I still have the screenplays (that nobody reads) - and I post them. In fact, I post the *first drafts* typos and all. Now, if you read my *script* and think it sucks, that’s fine. You are judging *my work*. I can live with that. It’s particularly easy to live with when someone has pulled the screenplay out of some huge stack (half a million scripts in circulation at any one time) and bought it... then invested the millions to make the movie. I’m not saying that everything I wrote is perfect... or even good... but when someone buys my script instead of one of the other 499,999 out there, *something* was good about it. And that decision to buy and make my script is something I should celebrate...

But how?

As we watched the dreadful films Sunday night, I felt like we were celebrating bad rewrites and poor direction and awful acting. That wasn’t my script up there.

My friends were trying to like the movies - and *I* don’t even like them.

About 3/4 through one of the films, I thought we had had enough - and I popped out the DVD and popped in the *other* version of the script so that we could do a scene-to- scene comparison. This was better - that other film is much more like my original script, and the scene from that version was more exciting, more interesting, and actually looked much more expensive (on 1/6th the budget). At lest these were my characters. And the scene itself was my scene. (If you’re wondering - it was the STAGECOACH inspired fruit truck vs. motorcycle chase... which became a boring car chase in the new version.) By showing both scenes, my friends could *see* the difference in writing. They could appreciate my work - by comparing it to the rewritten version.

After that I just plugged in CROOKED, turned the English subtitles on and the volume down... and we had a party with the movie in the background. This ended up being the best choice - we could just hang out and have fun, and every once in a while I could point out something happening on the big screen and comment on it. We had a great time, and when it got late I scooped up the DVDs, thanked everyone, and drove back over the hill to the Valley.

I still don’t know the best way to celebrate a script. The problem is that what we do is *written* and to appreciate it, you have to read it. That means we aren’t going to get much appreciation for our work - nobody is really going to read our scripts. Even when the films get made, the writer gets the blame if the film sucks and the director and stars get the praise when the film is good. Critics don’t read scripts. They never will. Writers are always going to be behind the scenes and unnoticed. The world is never going to even notice that we exist... unless they’re complaining. That means we can’t expect anyone else to appreciate all of our hard work... we have to practice "self appreciation".

Next time, I think the DVD will just be playing in the background as I just hang out with my friends. Having the friends is the important part. Having the script sold and made is what is important - not whatever the heck is on that DVD.

Maybe next time I’ll just show my credit on the big screen... Then spend the rest of the night celebrating that credit, but not necessarily the film that comes after it.

- Bill